emotions. They are aware of their shortcomings
and are open to feedback and suggestions for
improvement. They have good people skills:
they are approachable, excel in communication,
and have the capacity to inspire. Their major
goal, above personal interests and comforts, is
to benefit the people they lead.
THE POWER OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
According to Goleman, studies of high-IQ
individuals in a variety of careers demonstrate
that those with better emotional abilities emerge
as outstanding:
“Emotional intelligence rather than IQ or
technical skills emerge as the ‘discriminating’
competency that best predicts who among a
group of very smart people will lead most
ably.”
For this reason, emotional intelligence is used
by numerous Fortune 500 companies as a focus
of their training and management programs.
Good novelists are experts at describing how
emotional intelligence affects the fate of their
characters. Think of Shakespeare’s Othello,
whose tragic flaws include uncontrolled jeal-ousy,
impulsivity, lack of self-awareness, lack
of insight, and inability to accurately appraise
others’ motives. Or, King Lear – so self-ab-sorbed,
arrogant, and needy that he is unable
to accurately read the motivations of others
around him.
One of my favorite playwrights is Arthur
Miller. The tragic protagonists of his plays often
display low emotional intelligence. I have read
and seen performances of Death of a Salesman
multiple times. The protagonist, Willy Loman,
lives through the disintegration of his career, his
dreams, and his self-image. He fails to create
the life he craves and guides his children down
wrong paths. When he finally recognizes his
missteps, it is too late. Instead of self-awareness,
we see denial: a man who creates a false image
of himself for his family, for society, and even
for himself. He is self-centered, fails to value
his wife, fails to understand his son, and fails
to accept the fact that he is only marginally
successful. He holds on to dreams of wealth
and prominence, loses the ability to differentiate
reality from fantasy, and behaves in ways that
alienate him from others. In other words, Willy
Loman would score very low on any measure
of emotional intelligence.
Similarly, in All My Sons, Joe Keller delib-erately
makes an unsound, immoral decision
– shipping defective aircraft engine cylinder
heads from his factory to the military during
WWII, causing the death of 21 pilots. Although
he himself committed the crime, he refuses to
accept responsibility for his actions – placing the
blame on his partner. When the truth comes to
light, he justifies his behavior by claiming he did
what he did for his family. Joe’s tragic errors are
also embedded in low emotional intelligence.
There are countless other examples...
The bottom line is that every interpersonal
interaction has an emotional connotation.
We can make others feel better, or, conversely,
we can make others feel worse. Fortunately,
the malleability of emotional intelligence is
well-documented. Emotional skills are learned
and can be improved. Referring again to Daniel
Goleman:
“... our level of emotional intelligence is not
fixed genetically, nor does it develop only in
early childhood. Unlike IQ, which changes lit-tle
after our teen years, emotional intelligence
seems to be largely learned, and it continues to
develop as we go through life and learn from
our experiences...”
HOW CAN WE IMPROVE OUR OWN EQ?
Here are some evidence-based guidelines:
1. Practice self-awareness. Observe yourself
as objectively as you possibly can. Look at your
attitudes, your behavior, your communication
style. Do you understand your own emotions?
Are you aware of the impact of your behavior
on others? What are your strengths? Can you
think of any weakness you can try to overcome?
2. Practice empathy. Try to understand
others, even if they are different. Put yourself
in their position. In conversation, apply active
listening skills. Focus on what is being said. Pay
attention to nonverbal cues. Don’t just wait for
your turn to talk. Challenge your prejudices and
discover commonalities. Different is not less.
3. Respond, don’t react. Before acting, take
a few minutes to reflect. Think of what might
be the best way to respond. Resist impulsive
reactions that make bad situations worse. Try not
to let another person’s inappropriate behavior
change your demeanor. Try to control your anger.
Adjust your behavior depending on who you
interact with. Remember that during instances
of conflict, your goal is resolution. Ensure that
both your words and your actions align with
that goal.
4. Communicate clearly, assertively, and
gently. Being too aggressive or too passive in
communicating your needs or your opinions is
less effective. Try to express yourself openly and
respectfully. Gentle assertiveness is a powerful
tool.
5. Be accountable. Accept responsibility.
When handling a stressful situation, ask your-self:
is this me at my best? Don’t automatically
look for someone else to blame. Don’t say
someone else made you behave a certain way.
Regardless of what another person did, you are
responsible for your reaction. Don’t hesitate to
apologize when necessary. Take constructive
feedback well.
Well before emotional intelligence became
a topic of research, Tao Te Ching, an ancient
Chinese text, gave its readers similar tips:
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing
yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength; mastering
yourself is true power.”
As stated earlier, emotional skills can be
learned and refined during any life cycle stage.
There is more good news: emotional intelligence,
which is actually a form of wisdom, tends to
increase with age. Life experience – the knowl-edge
gained through years of living – contributes
to better emotional skills. Relying on Daniel
My poetic reflec-tion
on effective
communication. We
do use ‘punctuation
marks’ in spoken
communication too
– via intonation,
volume, pauses, and
body language. The following poem depicts
my preferences:
PUNCTUATION MARKS
Please don’t raise your voice!
Eliminate exclamation marks
when we disagree!
Their sharp points hurt!
Forgo the finality
of periods that fully stop.
Periods end things.
Leave room.
Come up with commas,
sense their softness
as they curl up at the feet of words,
connecting things,
and may I dare you to squeeze in
some question marks?
Can you live the questions now?
Like Rilke? Would you?
Frankly... I love ellipses most...
Pause the flow... Allude... Signal...
Let me read between the dots...
Umm... Nothing is fully final...
– Nurit Israeli
Goleman’s words:
“People tend to become more emotionally
intelligent as they age and mature.”
But remember, emotional intelligence increas-es
mostly for those who wish to cultivate their
emotional skills...
I could not decide which one of two favorite
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry assertions in The
Little Prince summarizes the ideas presented
above more succinctly, so I will share both.
The first quote emphasizes the importance of
self-awareness:
“It is much more difficult to judge oneself
than to judge others. If you succeed in judging
yourself rightly, then you are indeed a man of
wisdom.”
The second quote is a poetic way of high-lighting
the importance of our emotional mind.
Though our rational mind is always important,
it may be at times an insufficient mode of com-prehension.
Sometimes, real “seeing” is a matter
of the heart:
“It is with the heart that one sees rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
I will give the last word to Daniel Goleman,
whose research introduced me to emotional
intelligence and who said in a few words some-thing
I believe in wholeheartedly:
“When we focus on others, our world
expands.”
November 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 25
/news:emotional
