BY DR. NURIT ISRAELI
“I think of each life as a flower,
as common
as a field daisy, and as singular...
and each body a lion of courage,
and something precious to
the earth.”
~ Mary Oliver If you were to write a book
about your life, what would
the title be? What genre
would your life story be? Would
it be an action story? A tragedy?
A comedy? A drama? A fairytale?
A mixed-genre tale?
Can you name the chapters that
have already been written? Try to
come up with chapter titles representing
significant stages or events
in your life.
What events do you consider to
be the most important milestones
(positive and negative) in your life?
How have these events shaped who
you are?
Who are the main characters in
your story?
What roles have you played
throughout? Have your roles
changed?
What chapter are you in
right now?
What would you like the title of
the next chapter to be?
I posed these questions to participants
in a workshop on Rewriting
Life Stories, based on Narrative
Psychology, a school of thought
introduced by two psychologists,
David Epston and Michael White.
Narrative Psychology focuses on
how the stories we tell shape our
identities and provide us with pathways
for a better understanding of
ourselves.
We all have personal stories about
our lives. We select past events
that we consider important, reflect
upon them, put them together in a
sequence across time, link them by a
theme, extract meaning from them,
and convert them to life stories.
These stories are not always
conscious, but by early adulthood
we usually have the basic narrative
script. As we evolve, we continue
to update our narrative. It becomes
the backbone of our identity and
determines how we feel about ourselves
in the context of the world
around us.
Sometimes we manage to hold
on to optimistic stories that help
us. Other times, we develop problem
saturated stories that do not
serve us well. The good news: we
can edit our stories in beneficial
ways at any point, give them a different
spin that will enable us to
extract different meanings.
The social psychologist Tim
Wilson introduces the concept of
“story editing.” No, we cannot undo
the past. Events happen to all of us
that cannot be changed. Losses and
traumas cannot be reversed. But
the ways in which these events are
interpreted make a difference! We
can alter how we see our past, what
we tell ourselves about it, and thus
how it affects us.
For example, in my work with a
Holocaust survivor, the title she initially
gave her life story was: “A Tale
of Darkness.” She adopted a negative,
self-defeating view of herself
and of others in which she focused
exclusively on losses. She assumed
that much of what had happened to
her had been her fault or the fault of
loved ones who had disappointed
her, and she developed an identity
as a victim. This affected her sense
of self, her relationships, and her
hopes for the future. She believed
that disappointments, in herself and
in others, would continue for the
rest of her life.
It took time for her to realize
that there was an alternate story
line: She is a survivor and hers is
a survivor’s story! True, horrific
events had occurred, but these
did not encapsulate the totality of
her experience. She is not only a
victim. Her life cannot be summed
up by a victim story line alone.
There are events that occurred in
her life which contradict her view
of herself as weak and helpless. She
has made wise decisions and has
overcome incredible challenges!
Once she began to attribute significance
to these positive events,
she could review her life differently.
The different perspective helped
her start a new chapter, change
her role, alter her expectations,
surround herself by a helpful supporting
cast, and take her story in
a different direction. The new title
she chose for her story is: A Tale
of Perseverance.
Joan Didion, who tells her life
story powerfully in her books,
says that, “We tell ourselves stories
in order to live.” We each have
an innermost life story, a unique
narrative which, consciously or
unconsciously, defines us. The
noted writer Oliver Sacks affirms
that, “Biologically, physiologically,
we are not so different from each
other; historically, as narratives –
we are each of us unique.”
So, in response to the questions I
posed at the beginning of this essay:
when I look back at my own story,
I see a mixture of opportunities and
crises that have tested my spiritual
aptitude. The focus in later chapters
has been on releasing the expectation
for a problem-free existence
and instead, concentrating on gratitude
when problems are solvable
and working on improving the ability
to come up with solutions. The
story is filled with adventures and
transitions, beginnings and endings,
hellos and goodbyes. Bumps and
hardships are darkly penned into
the story but simultaneously, magical
moments shed a bright light on
each chapter.
My story is populated with
wonderful people, fellow travelers
on the path who have helped me
become who I am. The title I would
choose for my own story is: “In
Spite of Everything – yes!” I often
view my story as a play, where I
make up the script as I go along.
There are no rehearsals for this play,
and no prompter to cue me when I
forget my lines.
I do know most of the story by
now, though I am unsure of the
ending. I have already met most
of the characters too, though I am
not sure who else will play a role.
I don’t know how many more new
scenes there will be, yet still, with
an internal makeshift compass, I
steer the plot to new ports – allowing
the familiar themes to reassemble
into new possibilities. I admit,
there is allure to scenes that cannot
be foreseen...
WHAT IS YOUR STORY?
20 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ May 2019
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