A few weeks ago, one
of my best friends
(also my cruise
roommate) called to tell
me that she broke her clavichord.
Clavichord, schmavichord
– big deal. Thank
goodness it wasn’t serious,
but in my head I was also
thinking, “I need to know
this because…….?” I was
in her apartment so many
times…I didn’t know she
was into that type of music,
but who am I to question
these personal choices?
After the fog of a
semi-sleepless night lifted
and I switched the phone
to my good ear, I realized I
wasn’t hearing clavichord or
schmavichord…oh no! She
said clavicle. I now mentally
shifted to my anatomy
chart hanging on my kitchen
wall. (I told you I have one
to keep track of my body
parts and the specialists that
are treating me for them.) I
learned clavicle is a fancy
word for collarbone.
Now what happens? Is
there going to be a limit on
the amount of jewelry that
can be worn hanging around
her neck? What about dangling
earrings? Will they be
a problem? These days some of the
earrings I see are so long you can
attach them to your stockings and
use them as a garter belt. (Do we
still use them?) Last week I saw
a dangling earring that had a Fiat
attached to it. (I guess it was cheaper
than a parking lot.) Definitely a
risk for that to swing and hit the
collar bone or even knock the wearer
out. Curtailing jewelry around a
woman’s neck can be catastrophic
to the economy. Oh my! What about
those cruise ships we sail on? They
are going to lose a lot of income
from us. What about the time we
waste, I mean spend, looking for
exotic jewelry knock-offs? Oy,
what about the jewelry exchange?
Does this mean every time a collar
bone breaks somewhere, business
will decline? I think there should
be some kind of jewelry insurance
for not being able to wear jewelry
for medical reasons…like a broken
finger, a cast on a wrist, or a lost key
to the vault. Stuff like that.
I’ve heard about and seen so
many illnesses that I’ve begun to
categorize them as the weatherman
does with storms:
Category I: Can’t put on makeup
Oy. (I scare myself.)
Category II: Can’t put on bra--Oy
vey. (You could trip.)
Category III: Can’t get to the hair
dresser--Oy vey iz mir. (Mirror, mirror
on the wall, who’s that?)
Category IV: Can’t do any of the
above–Go on a cruise. You don’t
know anyone. Who cares?
This is a time that friends come
to the fore, but be careful. However
many times the phone rings with
well-intended messages, you must
take the comments in stride like, “I
used to fall a lot like you did, until
I gave up drinking” or “I had what
you had. In time you’ll feel like new,
but it did take me six years to be
able to bend and put my shoes on
again.”
This is where don’t ask kicks in.
No one asked you for this information
when they’re trying so hard to
work through their own tsouris?
Tell them fun things like how you’re
getting a jet propelled walker or all
the new types of exotic and soft
foods like pureed pistachio ice
cream you’ve discovered,
and now is the only kind
of ice cream you can eat
because of your stomach
problems.
I don’t know about you,
but when I don’t feel well,
I’m not always up to having
visitors. To stop that,
“I keep a nude painting of
myself in my living room.
Laugh if you want, but it
sure keeps company from
dropping by.” *
My advice to all women:
1) Don’t worry about
the black and blue bruises.
They eventually turn
red, green, yellow, orange
and brown. Whatever!
Kind of looks psychedelic
in color. Wait! Hmmm.
Interesting choice of word.
Psychedelic, is that the
feeling that comes from
using the pain medicine or
maybe is it from the “magic”
brownies your friend
baked? (What? Brownies
are a health food if you
count mental health.)
2) Don’t fall off the
wagon and start to eat
things you love to eat but
shouldn’t. When you’re
stressed, I know chicken
soup is good, but chocolate
sounds better. Don’t do it.
This is where don’t tell kicks in.
Husbands, beware of this desire and
try to be compassionate. A recent
study found that women who carry
a little weight live longer than the
men who mention it!
3) Finally, women, if you’re in
pain and can’t say something nice,
say it to your husband…he’s not
listening anyway!
To my dear friend, please feel better
soon. You still have that smile on
your face and twinkle in your eyes,
not always easy. You will be better
in a few weeks, not years. I’ll affectionately
tell you what my friends
tell me: “Get well soon. The gossip
chain is nothing without you!”
*Quote by Maxine
DON’T TELL……..
DON’T ASK………
22 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ July 2019