a desire to repair the relationship
when needed.
Reflect on your own life:
When you make a mistake, do
you tend to admit that you are
wrong?
Are you likely to offer an
apology?
Do you try to offer some form
of restitution?
Do you recall an apology you
offered or received that was truly
effective?
Do you recall an apology you
offered or received that was ineffective
and unproductive?
Do you owe anyone an apology,
even for wrongdoings that
occurred years ago?
Does anyone owe you an
apology?
An effective apology includes
several interrelated components:
1. “I’m sorry”: expression of
remorse
Apologizers should express
sincere regret for their words and
actions (or for their failure to speak
or act). The wronged person should
perceive the apology as heartfelt
and should be given time to process
his/her feelings.
2. “It’s my fault”: acknowledgement
of unequivocal responsibility
This is a critically important
component of any apology! An
effective apology is an assertion of
accountability. It entails owning
up to one’s mistakes. The focus
should be on the apologizer’s
words or actions. It should not be
on who started it or who’s more to
blame. Offenders should assume
responsibility for their behavior and
acknowledge what they did wrong
without evading, excuse-making, or
blaming. They should demonstrate
that they understand how their
conduct made the offended party
feel (yes, even when the offended
person’s feelings seem exaggerated,
or when the offended person does
not realize his/her contribution to
the problem).
3. “What can I do to make it
right?” offer of restitution
Apologizers should take actions
to rectify the problem and do what
they can to improve the situation.
An offer of reparation or restitution
is an important part of an effective
apology.
4. “This will not happen again”:
commitment to avoid repeating
the mistakes
Apologizers must commit to
changing their behavior. Saying
“I am sorry” is useless if one
continues to make the same mistakes.
Wronged parties must be
reassured that offenders intend
to avoid repeating the offensive
actions in the future. No empty
promises, please...
Beverly Engel, author of the
book, The Power of Apology:
Healing Steps to Transform All
Your Relationships, summarizes
the characteristics of an effective
apology :
“A meaningful apology is one
that communicates three R’s: regret,
responsibility, and remedy.”
A brief poem titled, This Is Just
To Say, by esteemed American poet,
physician, and essayist William
Carlos Williams, addresses regret
and responsibility poetically:
“I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox
and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.
Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.”
Dr. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist
whose writings I have used
with patients, wrote the (highly recommended)
book: Why Won’t You
Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals
and Everyday Hurts. In it, she
focuses on how much apology
matters, how to craft a meaningful
apology, and how to avoid “bad”
apologies that only deepen the original
injury. According to Lerner,
“I’m sorry” are the two most healing
words in the English language,
and a wholehearted apology is the
greatest gift we can give to a person
we have offended. It validates the
injured person’s sense of reality by
affirming that, yes, the hurt feelings
are understandable, and the offender
takes full responsibility for his/
her words or actions.
Still, some people fail to apologize
properly and others just won’t
apologize. Apologizing means
acknowledging our mistakes and
our shortcomings. Many people
find that challenging... In my work,
I have witnessed apologies bungled
by insincere apologizers, or by apologizers
explaining away the “bad”
behavior – directly or indirectly
blaming the offended parties.
Dr. Lerner outlines the most
common ingredients of a failed
apology (she terms her outline:
“Bad Apologies 101”). Mainly, she
advises, don’t tag “but” into an
apology, as it may signal an excuse.
Including explanations runs the
risk of undoing the apology (you
will, hopefully, have later opportunities
to address the underlying
issues in more detail). As Benjamin
Franklin said:
“Don’t ruin an apology with an
excuse.”
Don’t make the victim the
problem, Lerner counsels. Focus
on your actions rather than on the
wronged person’s response. “I’m
sorry you feel that way,” is a pseudo
apology. It is a way of distancing
yourself from the offensive act and
shedding responsibility for its consequences
– as if all that happened
took place inside the offended
party’s head. Similarly, using “if”
as in “I am sorry if I upset you,”
can come across as condescending.
An apology should also not be
used for ulterior motives, such as
a means toward getting what an
apologizer wants, and should not
be offered with an assumption of
being forgiven, as if the apology
itself suffices.
An important point: it is never
too late to apologize! Sometimes,
an offender may wish to apologize
for wrongdoings that occurred years
earlier. As we evolve and change,
we may be better able to recognize
past mistakes and regret having hurt
loved ones: partners, children, parents,
friends... We may feel empathy
and compassion that we haven’t
felt before and may wish to craft
apologies for offenses that occurred
even decades ago.
Apologies to partners for past
relationship injuries are critically
important whenever one becomes
aware of having inflicted wounds
that affected the fabric of a relationship:
apologies for not “being there”
when needed most, for betraying
trust, for abandoning a partner at
a vulnerable time, for acting offensively
by not understanding the
emotional impact of one’s behavior
on a wronged partner.
Apologies from parents to their
adult children may address errors
of judgement, failures to act lovingly,
having unrealistic expectations,
not being good enough role models,
being hyper-critical, punishing
excessively and too harshly, overreaction
to misbehavior or underreaction
to achievements, or just
not being available when needed.
Apologies from adult children
to their parents may focus on not
helping parents when they needed
assistance, failing to check in on
them, marginalizing them, being
disrespectful, or just taking them
for granted.
It is essential to remember that
sincere apologies do not necessarily
lead to instant forgiveness.
Don’t expect your apology to be
accepted right away. The wronged
person may not be ready to forgive.
Give him/her time. Actually,
authentic apologies do not ask the
offended party to do anything (not
even to forgive). Whether forgiveness
follows or not, you may feel
better for having done the right
thing. Demanding forgiveness can
undercut an apology. As Dr. Lerner
points out:
“’I’m sorry’ shouldn’t be viewed
as a bargaining chip you give
to get something back from the
injured party, like forgiveness.”
Dr. Lerner explains:
“Not everything is forgivable.
Accepting an apology doesn’t
always mean reconciliation.
The best apology in the world
can’t restore every connection.
The words ‘I’m sorry’ may be
absurdly inadequate even if sincerely
offered. Sometimes the
foundation of trust on which a
relationship was built cannot be
repaired. We may never want to
see the person who hurt us again.
We can still accept an apology.”
In summary: a heartfelt apology
is an offering. It is an attempt to
make right something that we have
wronged. It means we value the
relationship (more than we value
our ego). An apology cannot take
things back, but it is an attempt
to move forward more mindfully.
Quoting Dr. Harriet Lerner yet
again:
“The courage to apologize, and
the wisdom and clarity to do it
wisely and well, is at the heart of
effective leadership, coupledom,
parenting, friendship, personal
integrity, and what we call love.
It is hard to imagine what matters
more than this.”
••• The commencement of a
new year tends to be a time of
introspection, soul-searching, and
embracing the possibility of new
beginnings. In the spirit of new
beginnings, this article is dedicated
to the challenge of becoming
better apologizers – wiping our
slate clean and transitioning into
a still unspoiled 2022 with a resolution
to tend more empathetically
to each other’s vulnerabilities.
January 2022 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 25