I’M SO SORRY:
THE POWER OF A HEARTFELT APOLOGY
BY DR. NURIT ISRAELI
“The ability of a person to atone
has always been the most remarkable
of human features.”
– Leon Uris
“Love means never having to
say you’re sorry” is one of the most
quoted movie lines of all times. The
source is the film “Love Story,”
based on Erich Segal’s novel by
the same name. “Love Story” is a
tale of two young people from two
very different worlds, Jennifer and
Oliver, who get married despite
parental opposition. The phrase is
articulated in the film twice: once
by Jennifer, when Oliver attempts to
apologize for getting angry; then by
Oliver, at the end of the film, when
his father, upon discovering that
Jennifer had died, tries to apologize
for cutting the couple off.
But is the quote accurate? Does
love truly mean never having to
say you’re sorry? Are apologies
superfluous in loving relationships?
Is the phrase based on
the assumption that people who
love each other never disappoint
each other? Or, on the supposition
that where love exists there is no
judgement? Or, on the notion that
forgiveness is automatic in loving
relationships?
Such premises can survive only
in imaginary romantic narratives.
In reality, the opposite is true: Love
means having to say you’re sorry
(at least occasionally) when your
words or actions hurt someone
you love.
Dictionaries define apology as an
admission of error or discourtesy
accompanied by an expression
of regret. Apology encompasses
acknowledging some fault or
offense, expressing remorse, and
seeking forgiveness. The essence
of an apology is conveying to a
wronged party that the offender
reflected on what had happened,
comprehends the wronged person’s
hurt, and regrets his or her offense.
An apology requires an attempt to
put oneself in the other person’s
shoes and mobilize empathy,
regardless of whether or not the
apologizer agrees with the wronged
person’s reaction.
The reality is we all make mistakes
and sometimes hurt others
through our words or behavior
– often inadvertently rather than
intentionally. Note that people
are often much more careful not
to hurt strangers, but notably less
careful with the people they love.
Apologizing gives us a chance to
try remedying our fault.
Aaron Lazar, M.D., former
dean and professor of psychiatry
at the University of Massachusetts
Medical School, wrote a book
called On Apology, in which he
declares apology the most profound
interaction that can occur between
people. Apologies, he claims, have
the power to heal humiliations, free
one’s mind from deep-seated guilt,
and provide opportunities to restore
broken relationships.
There is, of course, a difference
between apologizing for small
mistakes or for major offenses.
Still, there are apology-challenged
individuals who are reluctant to
offer apologies, regardless of the
seriousness of their wrongdoing. In
fact, research indicates that, often,
the ones who commit the more
serious transgressions are also the
ones less likely to feel regret and
less likely to make amends. Some
may agree with Elton John’s words:
“Sorry seems to be the hardest
word.”
Why are genuine apologies so
important?
An apology is an effective way of
healing what is called in the psychological
literature Attachment
Injuries (or: Relationship Injuries).
An Attachment Injury is an emotional
wound that occurs when a
person involved in a significant
relationship hurts a loved one (such
as by having an extramarital affair).
The offended partner feels betrayed
and may relive the hurtful experience
as if it just happened for many
years to come. The injury becomes
evidence of the lack of trustworthiness
of the offending partner.
In my work with patients, I have
witnessed how, at times, a failure
of an offending family member to
apologize when an apology is due
turns out to be even more painful
than the original offense. But I have
also witnessed how apologies can
resolve decades-long conflicts! An
effective apology can become a
corrective emotional experience
– an experience which permits
the impact of old grievances to be
attenuated. A successful apology
is a validation of any significant
relationship – a demonstration of
24 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ January 2022