18 MARCH 1, 2018 RIDGEWOOD TIMES WWW.QNS.COM
COPING WITH DEATH
Surviving a suicide loss
BY MARIANNE REID SCHROM
March 29, 2017 marks the
10-year anniversary of when
my world turned upside
down. You see, my brother John – a
married father of 2, respected entrepreneur
at age 24 – died by suicide on
a warm, sunny day back in 2007.
I had always known it’s basic human
nature to strive to do the ‘right thing’
and make another’s burden lighter.
But, I’ve learned that one of the worst
feelings in the world is when you don’t
know how to help. Sometimes our best
intentions and desire to help just aren’t...
enough.
I know that’s how I felt aft er John’s
death. I knew how much I was hurting,
and I certainly saw the raw emotion
that was eating away at my parents.
Yet, for months, all I could do was cry
with them and do grocery runs to pick
up the essentials – including tissues!
Sure, we had friends and family
that immediately came to the house
when they heard the news. We had
casseroles and fruit baskets covering
every inch of counter top and refrigerator
space. We had an amazing funeral
director who prepared my brother’s
body for viewing and was attentive to
our every need. Our mailboxes were
overfl owing with sympathy cards, and
the church was bursting at its seams
during the service.
But then, in a matter of days, there
were no more casseroles. The sympathy
cards were replaced with the
regular junk mail. And the warm
embraces at the funeral service were
replaced by whispers and avoidance
when we saw people we knew around
town. Reality set in.
There’s so much stigma that still
surrounds suicide. The last seven
years have taught me that those who
were insensitive at the time probably
meant well but were just misinformed
about grief and suicide. I’m sure some
people were afraid that suicide could
happen in their family, to them or to a
friend. Other people might have been
upset because suicide had already
changed their lives. I know now that
most of them struggled with what to
say. But to be quite honest, that silence
was deafening.
That silence grew when my small
community experienced two additional
suicides over the next 12 months.
Throughout that year, the burden
grew so heavy that I just couldn’t
bear to carry it myself anymore. I
was determined to find someone
who knew what this loss was like. My
family and I read every book we could
get our hands on. We received cards
from people who had also suff ered
tragic, unexpected losses, but none of
them had experienced a suicide death.
It wasn’t until I met another sister
who had also lost her little brother to
suicide that I began to feel that weight
lift ing from my shoulders. Still, I wish
I was able to fi nd support – for myself
and my family – sooner.
I’ve had the amazing opportunity to
meet hundreds of other families from
all over NY and the US during the last
seven years, who know what this type
of devastating loss is like – many of
whose stories are like mine. Many of
these families felt they had nowhere
to turn. But – little by little – that storyline
is changing.
I only hope that over the next few
months and years that the families
I meet will tell me that it was their
funeral director who told them about
a local support group for survivors
of suicide loss or provided them with
information booklets on how to grieve
a suicide death. As someone who once
sat at that arrangement conference in
a complete fog, I can honestly say that
my burden would have been lighter
if my family and I walked away with
materials specifi cally developed for
us – survivors of suicide loss.
The kind, supportive service we
received from our family funeral
director during the funeral services
was great, but it didn’t eliminate the
sleepless nights or blank stares at the
wall when we didn’t know “what next.”
I certainly wish I knew where to fi nd
support immediately following my
brother’s death.
To learn more on how to cope with
suicide please visit the AFSP website,
https://afsp.org/find-support/
ive-lost-someone.
Create a personal journal to help ease the pain
Creating a journal helps to ease
grief because it provides a safe
place where you are free to
express your deepest thoughts and
feelings about your life loss.
At this unhappy time, it is normal
for grieving people to feel helpless
and out of control.
According to Linda Cherek, a
member of the National Catholic
Ministry to the Bereaved’s Board of
Trustees, telling the story of your
relationship with the lost loved one
in a journal will help to calm these
emotions.
Through writing, we can express
our ideas and feelings about the
death, and look inward to identify
and consider our strengths, areas
for growth and coping mechanisms.
Cherek offers some thoughts on
getting started on using journaling
as a part of the grieving process:
Find writing materials that appeal
to you — a bound book, a spiral notebook,
or loose sheets.
Create a special place to write.
Make it comfortable and inviting.
Set aside time to write. Julia Cameron
in The Artist’s Way suggests
getting up a half hour earlier each
day (while your brain is still free of
the cares of the day ahead) and write
three pages — whatever comes into
your head.
Don’t worry about punctuation,
spelling or grammar. If you can’t
think of anything to write, just write,
“I can’t think of anything to write”
over and over. Oft en, your innermost
feelings will emerge. Your journal
listens without judgment.
Consider some questions to focus
your writing. Are there unresolved
problems or questions about your
relationship with the loved one
who died? What has the experience
of their death been like for you?
What am I going to do without their
physical presence? What do I want
to remember? What have I learned
about myself?
Consider writing a letter to your
loved one — what it has been like
since their death, or what you want
your life to be like in the years
ahead.
Cherek adds that writing out our
losses is a method of therapy: “The
word therapy comes from the Greek
word therapei which means the kind
of attention one gives the sacred.
The way our life was connected
with that of our loved one is a sacred
story of the unique journey
we walked. Keeping a journal is one
valuable way to honor that journey.”
Courtesy of NYS Funeral Directors
Association
