The Redo Center of New York
BY IRENE FRANK
Most people’s needs today
seem to begin with the prefix
“re.” So, I am planning to build
a huge domed space subdivided
into small independent shops
where customers could go to be
redone. Instead of running from
one place to another all over the
city, the Redo Center would be
an all-encompassing one-stop
help center. People would save
time, gas money, avoid traffic
and have all their problems
solved immediately. Some shops
might be able to solve more than
one problem at a time (but there
might be a surcharge for that
special service).
My mind imagines a Realign
Shop. In the front of the shop
a chiropractor is manipulating
and thumping on a man’s body
to realign his spine. The area, of
course, would be soundproofed
to muffle his screams. In the
back of the shop, mechanics
are working to realign the tires
on his car. He emerges limping
and very thirsty. He goes next
door to the Rehydration Shop
and sips on samples of new fla-vored
2021
health waters from little
December plastic cups.
He decides it’s not for him but
his eye catches a sign at the next
counter of a very attractive wom-an
winking seductively. The sign
¢promises that men who take the
COURIER elixir will experience a recharged
body and a reset mind which will
reignite their love lives. The man
drops the little plastic cup in the
TOWERS recycle bin and heads over to
the counter.
His wife is in the Reboot Shop
where she is showing the sales-man
SHORE where the suede on her
up-to-the hip boots are wearing
thin. He tells her he can redo
NORTH them. She steps into the back
room, removes her iPad from her
Anyone interested can email me
purse and explains to the Geek
at artnfact@aol.com. You will
30 Squad that instead of typing
not regret this alliance. words, the iPad is automatical-ly
type the number “1.” She is
told is has to be rebooted and
to return in 41 minutes.
She decides to spend this time
in the Redesign Shop. She can-not
decide whether to redecorate
completely or just refinish the
wood pieces and restore them
to their original color. The sales-man
suggests reupholstery and
says that if she refers a friend, he
will reserve very special tinted
plastic slipcovers for the furni-ture
pieces he works on. That
would eliminate the necessity of
reweaving or removing the stains
from the fabric. Of course, on a
hot day, the skin would have a
tendency to stick to the plastic
and on a cold day the tempera-ture
of the plastic could go down
to 32 degrees.
She rejects the plan and leaves
dejectedly and in need of a pick-me-
up. She finds it in the Reface
Shop, where there are fine cos-meticians
for every customer.
One is an eyebrow shaper from
Paris; one is Angelina Jolie’s lip
enhancer; one is Tammy Faye’s
eyelash extender; and one is
a Brooklynese resurfacer. She
trusts him because she was
born in Brooklyn. He remakes
her face and suggests Rogaine
for her thinning hair. She feels
restored and leaves with a jaun-ty
step.
Passing the Reimagine Shop
she thinks about her friend, a
divorced woman in search of a
new husband. The friend had
come to the shop, met Jack and
married him on the rebound.
She could not retrain him so
that union lasted only a month.
Rereading the divorce agreement,
she decided that marriage was
not something she would ever
revisit.
Next door was Replacements,
where you could find the missing
or broken cup from the 12-piece
English bone china dinner set
you got as an engagement pres-ent
50 years ago. When you
went to the back of the shop
you would find second opinion
doctors who advised people who
were told they needed knee or
hip replacements.
In the Remove Shop, there
would be parents pleading
to have tattoos and nose and
tongue rings removed from their
sullen teenagers and seniors
whose throbbing wisdom teeth
brought them in. You would also
find people who came to have
rings removed from fingers that
were swollen from weight gain.
These customers were pointed
in the direction of the Reduce
Shop run by Weight Watchers.
There was no end to the things
that needed removal. In fact the
shop was owned by the Got Junk
Company.
The reelect shop sold posters
and tee shirts advertising the
39 people running for Mayor.
Steve Kornacki was at the
big board explaining the new
ranked-choice voting and will
announce the winner in the next
six months.
The Research Shop employs
people from Google. The Refund
Shop makes returning any item
from any store very easy. You just
have to understand it may take
three hours on line to accom-plish
this. It’s a good place to
make or renew friendships.
The last and most popular
shop is the Remorse and Repent
Shop. Here, respected communi-ty
leaders would advise you on
how to rethink your overindul-gences
and redirect your energy
to more worthwhile causes.
My Redo Center of New York
is an experiment which will
someday change the course of
the shopping experience. I am
now searching for a silent part-ner
in this ambitious project.
link
link
