refrigerator by any other name
would still have been jittery. It
never kept things cold enough.
Jenny was beautiful but unde-pendable.
I added “Jittery” to her
name because it was so unreliable
that I became jittery. After a while
I took to taking her temperature
every morning when I woke up. It
became like a dependent. When
her (health) insurance ran out,
maintaining her became quite
expensive--$800 house calls and
hundreds of dollars in lost food
were more than I was spending
on myself. Her final procedures
were a new motor, a new computer
circuitry board and a temperature
valve. Her water dispenser started
to cough and sputter sometimes
and it made me so sad. When
the P.C. Richard EMT’s (Extra
Monetary Tips) took Jenny away,
I could not believe that I had
formed such an attachment to her.
I’ve since replaced her with
“Steady Eddie.” OMG! Is he an
upright guy! Even though he fits
precisely in the same spot as Jenny,
he seems bigger. His door shelves
(pecs) hold more and somehow
BY MARIAN NEMETSKY
Kermit, the Frog of Sesame
Street fame, lamented the fact
that he was green. According to
the Collins English Dictionary,
someone who is green has very
little experience in life or a partic-ular
job. In the early 1900s, many
newcomers to America were called
“greenhorns,” who were thought to
be gullible in that brave new world.
Recently, I felt like a combina-tion
of Kermit and a greenhorn,
trying to navigate the not too
brave, not too new, digital world of
online shopping. There were won-derful
sales advertised on my iPad
for my favorite brand of make-up
and my husband’s favorite brand
of basketball shorts and jogging
pants. To make it even more attrac-tive,
they offered free shipping.
The department store was nearby,
but we chose not to go in person
because of Covid. Everybody in the
world shops online, so I decided
his freezer compartment (hmm)
is bigger. I’m less jittery now, but
recently I think I discovered some-thing
funny is going on and I’m
not sure what I can do about it.
“Steady Eddie” and my Amazon
“Alexa” share the same room, my
kitchen, and both are hooked up
to my Google app. Before, when
I asked Alexa about the weather,
she would briskly say, “How come
you’re not asking about the wind
chill?” Now it’s “Gloria” (honestly,
she calls me by name), “There’s a
bit of wind today. Be careful.” Is
she speaking more sweetly to me
now because Eddie is listening?
Could they possibly be having a
thing? I recently discovered when
I got up during the night for a
drink of water that she was glow-ing
an alluring pink. Normally, to
get my attention about important
messages, she will glow yellow
and green but now she’s glowing
a special color without a special
message. I think Eddie is noticing
also. He’s started making noise
with his ice cube maker whenever
she glows. Uh oh! What happens
if they have a falling out and Eddie
to take the plunge, casting aside
my “greenness.”
I scrolled down to find
“Customer Service.” Two possi-ble
entries popped up: Put in bag,
or put in shopping cart, with a
picture of one. Not only is there a
lack of instructions in the English
language, but in this not too brave
and not too new world of online
shopping, they revert back to cave-man
drawings. I clicked “cart.”
Suddenly, a zip code that was not
mine appeared. I better stop. This
was not working.
PLAN B
I Googled the store and got
the phone number. Wonderful.
I’ll finally talk to a human being.
Wrong! It sounded like a human
voice, and maybe at one time it
was a human voice, or maybe it
was Alexa.
“Listen closely because our
menu has changed. Click two for
men’s clothing.”
Always obedient, I did as I
was told.
breaks down because of Echo?
Will I need to bring in a refrigera-tor
psychologist instead of a repair
person? I have to tell you my dryer,
“Dizzy Dennis” (because he spins
all the time), is acting up all of a
sudden. Sometimes it completes
a cycle and sometimes it doesn’t.
Do you think Dennis and Eddie
are competing for attention with
Echo? Oy vey! These modern
appliances can be so challenging.
The most important names in
the world that we truly can be
responsible for are the ones given
to our children. According to an
article I read in the Washington
Post, “A person’s name is the
greatest connection to their own
identity and individuality. Some
might say it is the most important
word in the world to that person.”
Names remain with a person for
life, well, until they legally want
to change them. As you can guess,
I like names that are different
but within certain parameters. I
named my daughter Ilicia with
an “I.” Her name means noble or
exalted. To me she is. As a child
kids pronounced her name dozens
“This extension is not answering.
Wait during the silence until they
pick up.”
Then, total silence. I made my
bed, tidied up the bathroom, made
lunch. Still no response. Hung up.
PLAN C
Dialed again, and clicked “wom-en’s
cosmetics.” Clicked my favor-ite
brand, and guess what? Got the
same silence.
PLAN D
Dialed again, and this time
bypassed my favorite brand
and clicked on the next brand.
“Hallelujah.” Mary answered. She
assured me she was not a robot.
I repeated my sad saga and she
called out to the people at the
counter of my favorite brand…
and they answered. At last, human
communication.
After several attempts, she put
me through to Joan. However,
when Joan was finished taking
my order, she said I had to use
the store’s credit card, which I
didn’t have. I retold my sad saga,
and she relented…only for this one
time. After thanking her profusely,
I asked how I could order my hus-band’s
items.
Miraculously, I got a central
phone number. Isn’t it strange that
in this era of Pentagon and CIA
leaks, the central phone number
of this department store was our
country’s best kept secret?
Once I dialed, I reached
Allison, who took my order in
record time with no problem.
She promised one day delivery,
and true to her word, I received
my husband’s items the next day.
Still waiting for my cosmetics,
though.
If and when they come, I’ll feel
like Kermit, who finally decided
it was not too bad being green.
The moguls of Broadway and
Hollywood fame felt that their
“greenhorn” background wasn’t
too bad either. Sometimes, “green-ness”
can be a good thing after all.
BEING GREEN
of ways, to the point where one
day she asked me “How do you
really say my name?” My son is
named Jeremy which means “God
will uplift.” He also had friends
call him by different names like
Jerome, Jeremiah and Germany. I
guess that happens a lot.
Nicknames can be a whole
other story. To me when I think
of either of them only one word
comes to mind: precious. My
name, Gloria, means a state of
spiritual ecstasy. You know me
and ecstasy, spiritual or otherwise,
is a large piece of cheesecake
and has nothing to do with the
origins of my name. Have you
listened to the names being giv-en
to children today? The street
names in Helsinki are more
discernible. How’d you like to
be named Mannerheiminte or
Meritullinktu? Manny and Merry
for short. What happened to the
sweet old names like Bessie and
Mabel or Aloysius?
* Shakespeare uses this line in
his play “Romeo and Juliet” to
convey that the naming of things
is irrelevant.
December 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 17