WHAT SHAPE ARE YOU IN?
Did you know it was National
Shapewear Day recently? I
didn’t, until I happened to
turn on my iPhone. I was too out of
shape to turn it on sooner or I definitely
would have alerted you. Naturally,
I just love to share my misery.
How does one celebrate
Shapewear Day? Does the lack of
celebration account for the horrible
shape I’m in? I don’t mean
my health. I mean my shape. I’m
concave where I should be convex
and I’m convex where I should be
concave. Something like that or is
it a trick mirror on the wall?
Is that girdle I abandoned sixty
years ago coming back to haunt
me? The newer version is supposed
to “hold me together where
it counts.” Really? Wasn’t that
the same claim they made when
I wore one in my other life? Can
you believe in this day and age
there was a girdle advertised with
a garter attachment for stockings?
I don’t remember the last time I
saw stockings or a girdle with a
garter attachment. Wasn’t there
once something called a garter belt
you wore under your clothing to
attach your stockings to? If I wore
one of those things today I would
upgrade it and wear it over my
clothes whereby I could attach my
car keys to one hook, house keys
to another and maybe a pillow to
the two hooks in the back to offer
me built in comfort when I sit. I’m
kind of getting bonier these days.
Gee, what size do these
Shapewear come in? Years ago,
it was small, medium and large.
Today there’s a size for a person
as thin as a straw or as large as
the proverbial haystack where
you can look for the lost needle.
There’s extra petite, extra small,
teeny, medium, short medium, long
medium and wide medium, short
wide, tall, medium tall, extra tall,
tallest, taller yet, queen size, and
extra-large and extra-long. There’s
probably more but I’m just writing
about the sizes I’ve been through.
I’ve always loved Chico’s, but
lately even more so. I’ve now
become a zero in their pants;
sometimes a double zero. Zero
can sometimes be a
bad connotation,
however I buy
stuff I don’t even
need and wear it
inside-out to show what
size I’m wearing.
What’s the harm?
It’s an illusion, but
I don’t care. Most people I
know don’t see too well
anyway.
These newer girdles
being advertized, come
with a back support. I
could use one made of
steel, but you already
know from a previous tale
of mine, I would prefer my back support
to be tall, dark and handsome. I
saw one girdle with a tummy tamer.
Is that like a lion tamer? A person
with a whip who watches what you
eat? Well I guess that’s better than
eating alone!
I just want normal undergaments.
Department stores devote
half a floor to them. Gosh! If we
became nudists, just think of the
money we’d save.
You know they have bras called
minimizers? Where does the minimized
stuff go when you’re wearing
one of these contraptions…
your arms pits,
shoulders? I
haven’t figured
that out yet.
Maybe I ought
to run a contest
for the most
unusual suggestion.
I once wore
something called a
corselet under my
wedding gown to
eliminate all the
bulges (which
I’m sure started
around my
ankles), because
I was wearing a
sheath wedding gown. I figured
out where all the excess bulges
went when I saw my wedding
pictures and immediately started
singing, “See the pyramids along
the Nile….” Oy!
What’s with these thong panties?
They’re cute… when they’re
age appropriate. Years ago, when
I first moved to Port Washington, a
neighbor confided she thought she
was oversexed until she realized her
thongs were too tight. Did I need
to know that?
When I was a kid, my mom used
to make me wear something called
“snuggies” during the cold weather.
They were long-legged and embarrassing
to wear because they were
so long. Well, I think they’re back,
but today they’re called warmup
pants and worn proudly as a symbol
of working out and taking care
of your body.
At this time in life, my requirements
are different. I wear cotton
briefs, buy them on sale and in one
color. No spark. No imagination.
Just clean!
Gotta tell you! Your undergarments
could be hinky, kinky, way
over the top or just a string. As long
as you (or anyone else) loves them
and your comfortable… Who cares?
October Cultural Events Around Town
BY JUNE ROCHEDIEU
2018
Experience a 3-acre interactive
October NASSAU COUNTY
corn maze. The adventure begins
MUSEUM OF ART
with a “stalk talk” instructional
Nassaumuseum.org / (516)
guide, then the challenge to find
484-9338
clues and solve riddles which will
¢October Exhibit:
lead you out of the maze. Kids and
COURIER TRUE COLORS
adults love it! No charge
Nothing in art is more important,
for children under 3 years of age.
some say, than color. A full range
Oct. Sat. and Sun. 11 am–4 pm:
of color magic on display in this
PUMPKIN PATCH
TOWERS exuberant show of 100 works. From
QUEENS COUNTY FARM MUSEUM
CHILDREN’S FALL FESTIVAL
Enjoy the smell of apples and
Matisse to Rothko and more.
Info@Queensfarm.org / (718)
Children come dressed up in
cider in the air as you
October 11: SCULPTURE
347-3276
costume and parade through the
take children through the huge
GARDEN unveiling
FALL CELEBRATION: Come
grounds. Live music, hayrides,
PUMPKIN PATCH.
SHORE Opening of new display
enjoy autumn close to home (1 mile
pony rides, petting zoo, roaming
Oct. 27, 1–7 pm. Ages 6–12:
within the Sculpture Garden.
from NST). Family entertainment.
cartoon characters, kid crafts, etc.
SCARY FARM HOUSE
Refreshments and guided tour.
Games, rides and live music. Buy
Bring your family, children and
Historical museum turned in a
NORTH Outdoor collection throughout the
a variety of Hudson Valley apples,
grandkids for a day filled with fun,
ghoulish adventure. Festive lights
fields, woods, ponds and formal
cider doughnuts, apple pies and
laughter and happy memories.
and lit pumpkins guide you from
gardens. Enjoy the interaction of
pumpkins.
Oct. 8 to 27 (Sat. and Sun. 11 am–4
room to room with surprises along
20 art and nature.
Oct. 28, 11 am–4 pm:
pm): THE AMAZING MAZE
the way.
link
