Enough of this growing old
garbage. I’m going to quote
Rita Rudner – “I don’t plan to
grow old gracefully. I plan to have
face-lifts until my ears meet.” I’m
100% in agreement with her. How
does one fix all that needs to be
fixed? Does that mean I’ll have to
give up traveling for a while because
of my recovery aches and pains, or
maybe some plastic surgeons can
re-constitute entire ships into floating
spas? Let me tell you, I’m as vain
as the next person and I do take my
glasses off when I look in a mirror
and can’t stand seeing what bothers
me, but I can’t do that forever. I’ll
be sticking my food into my ear
without my glasses and who knows
whose plate I’ll be eating off of if I
can’t see my own. What a dilemma?
In reality, what parts can we really
fluff up and pull tight that we already
don’t know about? Don’t get me
wrong. I’m a big coward when it
comes to doing things that don’t need
to be done to preserve my health, so
I know I’ll be really challenged to do
anything that might be considered
cosmetic. I admire anyone who
has the intestinal fortitude to make
changes. Everyone looks amazing
afterwards. Maybe a couple of bottles
of zinfandel might make a better case
for me to move forward on a nip or
tuck. Wait! Did I use the word case
in that sentence? I don’t mean I
need a case of zinfandel. Actually,
a small glass might do. Well, maybe
another glass or two might be better.
I wonder! In the past I always felt
like Wonder Woman. Didn’t we all
feel we were invincible? I thought I
was up to every task no matter what.
Reality is that I can still do so many
things but a little bit slower, but it
can’t stop me from wondering. The
cover on by body isn’t what it was,
but what’s inside is still fabulous.
Updating and fine tuning our bodies
might be interesting. Like maybe
could we make our wrists smoother
so we can wear more jewelry at one
time? Those wrinkles take up too
much space and I’m also challenged
by short wrists. If too many places
are tightened will it make me less
tall? I’m getting so much shorter
these days that my body is like an
elevator that is only going down.
My creped legs are getting creepy.
I’d like to fix those. How is that
done? Can it be made to look like
I have a seam down the back of my
legs? Then I’ll always look like I have
stockings on. Not a bad trade-off.
How about ear lobes? I know they
can be fixed. I once tore a lobe. I’d
like to have mine enlarged so I can
wear something interesting – like a
small battery-operated fan on hot
days. It’ll certainly keep me cool or
maybe it can be another place to hide
mad money when I’m traveling. Who
looks behind your ears? No one I’d
I wouldn’t mind a tummy tuck.
What do they tuck that tummy into?
Maybe a small pocket? Can I put my
extra change into it? If it leaves a scar
does that mean I’ll be self-conscious
and won’t want to wear my bikini?
My bikini is already as big as a Bikini
Island. It kind of looks like a blanket,
but I can call it whatever I want. It’s
my personal sized bikini. If you see a
blanket walking by, even though you
can’t see my face, you’ll know it’s me.
I recently got two new additions
to my family. No, it’s not time for
a mazel tov. It’s the bags under my
eyes. Just like that they showed up.
One day they weren’t here and the
next day they were. Like magic! I
once read that Paul Newman used to
dip his face into a sink filled with ice
water to firm up his skin. I’d probably
need Lake Erie in the winter
to work for me, and even that’s a
maybe. No guarantees. How did
the bags under my eyes get there?
Research says it can come from lack
of sleep. If that was true, with my
sleep habits I would have one large
bag for a face. Nope!
They also say the fat sometimes
moves from under your brows to
under your eyes. Were mine like slow
moving ice bergs? I never saw that I
had fat eyebrows. I understand it can
also come from weakened muscles
near the eye socket. Do you know
any exercises for that condition?
How do you strengthen them?
Maybe you can put on false eyelashes
with weights attached to them and
open and close your eyes for two sets,
ten times each? Oy vey! Where, why,
how can this happen? Thankfully,
my bags are still small enough to
hide, but as we all know things can
happen overnight. If you see me in
the arcade with a mask covering my
face it’s not Halloween and I’m not
rehearsing for a part in the Phantom
of the Opera. It’s probably because
my eye muscle-challenged bags are
on the move again. Gotta wait until
they settle somewhere. HELP!
I understand a butt lift can be very
helpful to one’s body shape. I have
a friend who had it done. Initially,
she looked fabulous, but now she
looks as though she’s dragging a set
of drapes behind her. At this time,
it’s too late to have my butt lifted
although if it made it easier for me to
stand from a sitting position, I might
be tempted. Do you think they could
use some kind of inflatable air bag
that might help lift myself into a
standing position? I might even be
able to use it to help me see better
as I’m driving. That cushion I use to
sit on is always in the way!
I’m sure there’s more to talk and
write about on how I can improve
myself on the outside but I’m too
busy trying to keep myself physically
healthy on the inside. Right now,
and at this time in life, the makeup
counter is as far as I think I’m going.
Please understand that this is all in
jest and basically I’m having a good
time making fun of myself. I’m quite
happy with the way I am. I get a
kick out of each new thing I find
with each new day. Some make me
smile and some make me roar with
laughter and some make me shake
my head in disbelief. What can I
do? I can’t get upset. I try to keep
myself busy so that I don’t have time
to dwell on the negatives which can
come in a flash and disappear just
If you want to follow my advice,
listen up – I don’t do drugs and I
don’t drink at my age. If I want to feel
light and slightly loopy, I can get the
same effect by standing up too fast!!!
ENJOY, MY FRIENDS. ENJOY!
WHEN IS ENOUGH
September 2019 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 27