I think we all know what a clone
is. Really, must a clone be
100% identical to its original
donor? Can’t a clone be like retail,
and instead of 100%, gets marked
down to 20% or 30% of what it’s
harvested from? Do we have a
choice of cloning some things and
not others? Wait, maybe that’s
genetic engineering or maybe just
plain heredity? Can you stretch a
clone? I’d like my clone to be taller
and thinner. What do I know? I’m
not a scientist.
I started thinking of the word
“clone” after a recent sleepover
with my nineteen-year-old granddaughter.
One day, she walked into
my laboratory while I was at work.
We all have laboratories, generally
known to everyone as a bathroom.
In my lab you’ll find chemicals,
vials and tubes, also known as hair
dye, makeup and a few assorted
face creams, like cream for day
wear, cream for night wear, cream
for a facelift, cream for a face drop,
cream for dry skin, vitamin C face
cream, anti-aging cream and natural
face cream. I don’t know about
my face improving but I have the
best-looking fingers from applying
this stuff.
I don’t think you need a Hazmat
suit to enter this space, but we’re
cutting it close these days as I’m
adding more and more “magical”
potions to put myself together. Kind
of like Frankenbeck! It’s usually
a lesson in futility, as I attempt to
turn my biological clock back a few
seconds. It’s beginning to take so
long I’m actually aging from stress.
My granddaughter tries to be gentle
as she discusses makeup techniques.
“You need to put your eye
shadow on from a better starting
place.” What’s wrong with starting
by my ear? It makes my eyes look
larger. So what if I’m starting to
look like a raccoon? So, my eye
shadow may be the wrong color,
but it hides my dark circles from
sleepless nights and I’m starting to
get used to looking like Vampira!
My blush may be too pale, but
when my blood pressure rises, the
contrast looks great.
Like most teens, my granddaughter
is a maven on things pertaining
to makeup, but of course it’s easier
when you’re dealing with beautiful,
youthful skin! When these kids
travel, I think they take an extra
suitcase just for makeup. I put my
makeup in a brown lunch bag and
I’m good to go.
When I was a teenager I never
thought much about makeup,
although I must say my mom did.
She loved makeup so much I think
she even put it on before she went
to bed each night. Where in Russia
did she learn this? In her remote
shtetl (village) where they didn’t
have electricity or running water,
did they sell Revlon or Max Factor?
Who did she model herself after?
My grandmother was an Orthodox
Rebbitzen who wore a sheitl (wig).
However, I must admit my adorable
mom always was a beacon of light,
with either her blond or red hair
(depending if she was north in New
York or south in Florida) and a full
face of makeup every day.
I think I’m still using the first
tube of lipstick I ever owned.
I guess I never
had
the patience to paint my face, but
even though that skill skipped me,
I do admit a bit of “cloning” must
have passed down to my daughter.
I should have recognized this early
on. Whenever we visited my mom,
my daughter would sit in front of
a mirror playing with my mother’s
makeup. How did that happen?
One time when my daughter
was five, I had to pick her up at
the hospital after a tonsillectomy.
She was waiting in her bed with a
full face of makeup. She had taken
her child size purse of doll makeup
with her to the hospital. That morning,
even though she had a fever
and couldn’t hold her head up, she
had eye shadow on, covering her
eyes from below the eyelids to the
eyebrows, and lipstick, extending
from below the nose to her chin…
and her cheeks were flush from
fever. She looked like an
adorable
baby clown. What a sight! I could
barely control my laughter. It
makes me smile even now. All the
way home, I was humming “Send
in the Clowns…” She hasn’t been
five for many years, but she’s still
smearing herself with makeup. I
guess a little “reduced cloning” has
my granddaughter following in her
footsteps.
At this point in my life, it
wouldn’t hurt if I wore some cosmetics.
It’ll probably put me in a
better mood. Though, I’m pretty
good without it. I don’t know why,
but I’m still a little resistant. It’s
hard to change old habits. Now, I
must stop buying my putty wrinkle
cream from a hardware store and
get it at a normal makeup counter
where everyone else shops.
A few days after my sleepover
with my granddaughter and while
having lunch with Vicki, (one of my
BF’s) I recounted this episodic
story about my makeup lesson.
The two of us are always good
for a laugh over anything. So
after hysterically laughing
and choking on our food,
we decided there’s really not
enough makeup out there suitable
for the mature woman.
We came up with unique
names for our products to
compete with the already established
lines in the marketplace.
I know you won’t mind, so I’ll
share a few thoughts about our
product colors with you and
maybe you can help us decide.
For lipstick: Medicare Melon,
Plan A Plum and Hot Flash
Tomato
Lip gloss: Nude (Oy vey)
Blush: Pepto Bismol Pink,
Martini Mauve, Ointment Orange
and Prune Purple
Eye shadow: Botox Black, AARP
Avocado, Biotin Blue, Barium
Brown, Insurance Indigo and
Libido Lemon
Mascara, our newest
color: Viagra Violet
(which will probably be
our best seller), because
it’s guaranteed to lengthen
your eyelashes.
As for me, I suppose I could
spend a little more time putting my
makeup on, but Oy, my back. Who
can stand that long?
Send in the Clones
24 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ May 2018