close friend:
Mom: “Have you talked to
Michael lately?”
Son: “Yes, I talked to him
yesterday.”
Mom: “How is he doing?”
Son: “I don’t know.”
Mom: “But you just talked to
him, didn’t he say?”
Son: “No.”
Mom: “Well, how is his job?”
Son: “I don’t know.”
Mom: “How is his girlfriend?
Son: “I don’t know.”
Mom: “Well, what did you talk
about?”
Son: “Football.”
Mom: “Did you only talk about
football?”
Son: “No, soccer too...”
This would be unusual, if not
unthinkable, among women
friends...
Having said that, although we
differ in how much closeness we
need, intimacy with other people
– whether a partner, a family mem-ber,
or a friend, is one of the most
important roads to contentment.
Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and
neuroscientist who wrote about
adult attachment clarified:
“Social connections are the
most powerful way for us to reg-ulate
our emotional distress.”
HOW DO WE SELECT OUR
FRIENDS?
Studies confirm what we all seem
to experience: we choose friends
who have personalities that we
enjoy and who, in some way, are
similar to us. Though opposites may
attract, birds of a feather tend to
flock together. Friends may share
common interests or activities,
common values or common histo-ry,
similar beliefs, or similar levels
of desired intimacy. But also, most
importantly: we choose friends
who make us feel good about
who we are, friends who support
our identities. We can be our real
selves around friends. They know
all about us and still love us... Good
friends are our best mirrors. As the
British writer C.S. Lewis said:
“Friendship... is born at the
moment when one person says
to another ‘What! You too? I
thought that no one but myself...’”
Think about your own life:
What does it mean to you to be
someone’s friend?
What qualities are most import-ant
to you in a friend?
Has your view of friendship
changed throughout the years?
What roles has friendship played
in different stages of your life?
Of course, not all friendships are
the same. We have different cate-gories
of friends – which does not
minimize the uniqueness that each
one brings. We have old friends,
with whom we share history, and
new friends, with whom we share
our daily lives. We have mutual
interest friends, work friends,
local friends, geographically distant
friends, etc. – all contributing to our
lives in their own unique ways.
Sometimes, we need to cope
with the loss of special friends. The
pain cannot be overstated. When
death tears beloved friends from
our lives, a part of us departs with
them. We never “get over” these
losses. Rather, we re-build ourselves
around the losses, learning to live
with and beyond the voids. Beloved
friends we lose continue to live in
us: we talk to them internally and
often know how they would have
responded. The love lingers, the
pain is essentially a testament to
the love, and the memories become
invaluable treasures. In the words
of American author, Leo Buscalia:
“We never lose the people we
love, even to death. They continue
to participate in every act, thought
and decision we make. Their love
leaves an indelible print in our
memory.”
PERSONAL REFLECTION
Personally, friendships have
been of utmost importance for me
from early on. I am an only child.
I always wished I had siblings and,
when I was very young, I used to
draw made-up siblings on the wall
by my bed (yes, I did get in trou-ble…).
Over the years, my friends
became the siblings I never had.
I now know that we can make
friends at any phase throughout the
life cycle – from very early on and
into advanced age. But our early-in-
life friendships give us the taste
of what friendships are all about.
Our old friendships prompt us to
look for this type of special bond
later on. So, before addressing new
friendships, I’ll share a personal
experience of reconnecting with old
friends. It may evoke similar mem-ories
in you, or a hint of nostalgia...
On my most recent visit to Haifa,
the town where I grew up, I reunit-ed
with three of my oldest friends:
The first I befriended on the first
day of kindergarten, the second I
met at the youth movement I joined
during early adolescence, and
with the third – my closest friend
– I shared a room during my two
years of military service. The three
of them arranged a reunion. We met
at the home of one of them, and it
felt as if we had never separated.
Reuniting with old friends is
special. These are the people who
knew us way back when, before
most of the important things in
our lives started to happen. They
remember our ‘firsts.’ They entered
our story before time began to take
its toll.
The four of us were born the same
year, in the midst of a World War,
to parents overwhelmed by losses,
struggling to survive, driven by the
mission of nation-building, com-pelled
by the idealism of dreamers.
We all grew up in the same town by
the sea, within a few miles of each
other. They all knew my parents,
spent time in the very small quar-ters
where I lived, remember how
I looked then, what (and whom) I
loved, how I idealistically dreamed
my future.
We were all active in youth
movements, served in the army,
married young, got advanced aca-demic
degrees, pursued challeng-ing
careers, raised children while
working full time. We were all
prompted to become overly respon-sible
– brought up to believe that a
shared struggle should supersede
personal goals. We turned out to
be our parents caretakers and tried
our very hardest. Our parents are
buried in close proximity.
Our lives started in similar places,
then I moved far away and an ocean
separated us. Still, after years apart,
we talked like we never parted. It
was like a reunion with different
versions of myself.
One of these three remains my
very close friend, even though an
ocean separates us. We have been
friends for over 60 years, and the
geographical distance has never
affected the strength of our bond
(studies reveal that physical distance
does not interfere with the ability
to maintain close friendships – a
very pertinent finding for the real-ity
of the pandemic). Throughout
the years, she and I have arranged
to meet as frequently as has been
possible – in NYC, in Israel, or in
Europe (in the middle...).
Since we first met, we have
shared joys and sorrows, victories
and misfortunes. She was there
when I got married, when I gave
birth, and when I raised children
while developing a professional
identity. We did it all on parallel
tracks. She was there when I had
to let go of some dreams, when I
came up with new ones, and when
I dealt with the surprises life put on
my path. So much has changed in
our lives since the two of us first
met at the tender age of 18, and yet
so much has remained the same.
A few years ago, a newer friend
(30 years…) fulfilled one of my
bucket list items: She invited all
my women friends who could
attend, old and new, local and dis-tant,
for a Celebration of Women’s
Friendships party. We gathered at
her NYC home for a memorable get
together. Once again, we found out
how, with good friends, we can be
ourselves – open, honest, flawed,
allowing ourselves to be known
and wanting to know, accepting
and feeling accepted.
Friendships become particularly
important as we grow older. The
roads, for all of us in one way or
another, become bumpier. We may
encounter rough spots, face losses
and, throughout, rely on each oth-er
for support, cheer each other’s
achievements, lean on each other
in difficult times, inspire each other,
celebrate life together...
For those of you who are new-comers
to North Shore Towers:
This place is a fertile ground for
new friendships. Since coming
here four years ago, I have experi-enced
several times what is called
the ‘click phenomenon’: meeting
someone and feeling an instant
connection, a sense of recognition
that ignites a friendship. So, be
open to what can still be. Let us
all nurture the friendships we hold
dear, and let us embrace the poten-tial
for new friendships. As Maya
Angelou noted (in her “Letter to
My Daughter”):
“A friend may be waiting
behind a stranger’s face.”
I agree with French-American
writer, Anaïs Nin. Every new
friendship is the start of a new
journey, the introduction of new
adventures, the beginning of new
memories:
“Each friend represents a world
in us, a world possibly not born
until they arrive, and it is only by
this meeting that a new world is
born.”
••• Dr. Nurit Israeli was the
invited speaker at a North Shore
Towers Women’s Club event dedi-cated
to friendships. This article is
based on her presentation.
February 2022 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 27