THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP
BY DR. NURIT ISRAELI
For my friends – old and new,
near and far (and those no longer
here but always in my heart): so
grateful for you!
One of the major effects of the
Covid pandemic has been changes
in our patterns of social interaction.
Covid and social isolation turned
out to be a “double pandemic”: In
an effort to assure literal surviv-al,
we had to curtail some of the
activities that make survival worth-while.
Mainly, we had to sacrifice
our familiar ways of maintaining
social contacts and adapt to unfa-miliar
2022
constraints: maintain social
February distancing, wear masks, shelter in
place, stay-at-home, quarantine...
Each and every one of these neces-sary
restrictions became a challenge
¢to social connections.
COURIER Numerous studies have addressed
the effects of the pandemic on social
contacts. The pandemic caused
an epidemic of social isolation
TOWERS and loneliness among adults. The
impact has been (understandably)
especially pronounced among older
adults. Knowledge gained through
SHORE decades of research on the effects
of social isolation has determined
major negative effects. The con-clusions
NORTH of numerous studies, in
different places and across different
cultures, have been unanimous:
26 Prolonged social isolation poses
young adult son regarding the son’s health risks. Being socially con-nected
is extremely important for
both physical and mental health.
There is a difference between
social isolation and loneliness.
Social isolation is an objective
state of infrequent social con-tacts,
while loneliness is a sub-jective
feeling of being isolated.
Socially-isolated individuals often
experience feelings of loneliness;
however, some people may be
content with limited social contact
while others may have frequent
social contacts but still feel lonely.
Despite the negative impact of the
pandemic, there is some pandem-ic-
related good news! We discovered
during the pandemic that we are more
resourceful than we knew. Yes, we
maintained social distance physical-ly,
but we learned to adapt through
virtual interactions and came up
with creative ways of spending time
together. We did not give up social
connections. We just used different
means of staying in touch.
THE NATURE OF FRIENDSHIP
Friendships are voluntary
human bonds that exist within a
socio-emotional realm, are based
on mutuality, and enrich our lives
in countless ways. There is no abso-lute
definition of what constitutes a
friendship, but there are identifiable
characteristics:
To begin with, friendships are
relationships we are entering by
choice. We select our friends and
choose to be with them. Our friends
are, literally, our chosen family.
Interdependence is another
characteristic. Friendships are
reciprocal relationships, based on
a mutuality of give-and-take.
Friendships require a commit-ment
both to the friendship and to
each other’s well-being. When a cri-sis
strikes, we count on our friends,
and friends are there for each other
– regardless of how challenging it
may be to do so. Friendships com-pel
us to be available, reliable, and
responsive.
Friendship relationships also
entail intimacy. These are soul-to-
soul connections where com-munication
is deep and authentic,
going beyond small talk and “catch-ing
up.”
Intimacy is based on trust and
requires acceptance. Our friends
accept who we are – the good and
the bad. Consequently, there is a
level of comfort we feel around
friends. We don’t need to hold
back. We can be ourselves and be
understood and accepted.
Overall, friendship is a relation-ship
where the company of another
person gives us pleasure. In fact,
true friendship is a gratifying form
of love.
Dr. William Rawlins, a professor
of Interpersonal Communication
who wrote the book The Compass
of Friendship, summarized the
three major expectations we tend
to have of a good friend:
“Somebody to talk to, someone
to depend on, and someone to
enjoy.”
Just knowing that there are peo-ple
in our lives who provide this
kind of social support is comfort-ing.
A.A. Milne, in The House of
Pooh, described eloquently the
comfort that friendship offers:
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from
behind.
‘Pooh!’ he whispered.
‘Yes, Piglet?’
‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking
Pooh’s paw, ‘I just wanted to be
sure of you.’ ”
As simple as that...
GENDER DIFFERENCES
There are differences in the
degree to which women and men
are prone to share personal feelings
with friends and rely on friends for
emotional support. Studies found
that, during the pandemic, a signifi-cantly
higher percentage of women
reported counting on friendships
for sharing personal feelings and
receiving emotional support from
friends. There were no generational
differences: Younger men were not
more likely than older men to share
personal feelings with a friend.
Interestingly, men who had female
friends were more likely to receive
emotional support, compared with
men who had only male friends.
Dr. Deborah Tennan, profes-sor
of Linguistics in Georgetown
University, researched women
friendships. Her research confirmed
what we know intuitively: Talking
is a major ingredient of friendships
among women – sharing personal
matters, thoughts, and feelings.
Men tend to bond by engaging in
shared activities (though Tennan
emphasized that, although there
are patterns that reflect gender
differences, nothing is true of all
men or all women). To show how
conversations of male friends tend
to be different, she cited a conver-sation
between a mother and her