It’s been 140 years since Alexander
Graham Bell invented the
telephone. If he knew what it
would lead to in our lives, he would
have been more than proud of all
that his ingenuity has given us. It
is considered one of the top ten
inventions that changed the world.
I don’t think we can appreciate this
discovery any more than we possibly
do – especially with all that’s
connected to and has grown from
his initial form of “high tech” communication.
From the first sounds
of static in 1875 until now, over one
hundred years later we still use his
invention. There are seven billion
mobile phone devices and over 150
million landlines and the telephone
still continues to evolve. Think
about it, originating from that
scratchy sound we now have Caller
ID, texting and the internet, just to
mention a few. What would life have
been like without a telephone?
So, I have another question: With
all those people to contact, and all
these ingenious ways to contact
others, why am I the one being
singled out with an unsolicited
phone call at 3 am in the morning?
I’m not sure if it’s a sales
pitch or a bill collector because
I don’t speak whatever language
that’s being spoken. At three in
the morning the only call I’d like
to receive is the lottery saying that
I won the Jackpot. I’m not even
sure about that. Anyway, at least
the other dozen or so people who
call anonymously during the day
are more civilized. They call during
breakfast, lunch or dinner. That’s
not too bad, but by the time I get
back to my meal it’s either too cold
or congealed and I toss it. Do you
think it’s some diabolical scheme
for a new form of dieting? Does
Weight Watchers know about this?
By the way, don’t these callers have
something better to do?
With all my complaining, I think
if I really stretch my imagination,
I might be able to find something
a little positive out of this
dilemma. I’m starting to become
a multi-linguist. Why do I think
that? Well, from the differences in
the languages I’m hearing, I believe
these calls being made come from
different corners of the world.
The scary thing is, because there’s
such frequency, there’s a glimmer
of some comprehension starting
to evolve. Is it possible? Am I
converting from monolingualism
to multilingualism? According to
my research, multilingualism has
been shown to be good for your
brain health.
Multilingual people are seen as
more intelligent especially when
you can constantly switch between
languages without thinking about
it. Nah! I’m not sure that would
really work for me. The problem
is I’m not even so great with my
mother tongue, Staten Islandese.
I sometimes struggle with English
when I’m speaking with someone
from the Bronx or Brooklyn. I hate
to use my Staten Island upbringing
as an excuse, but speaking to
people from Brooklyn and the
Bronx at the same time messes
with my head. Yesterday I called
a friend who lived in Brooklyn
and moved to California. It’s
amazing! I couldn’t understand
a word. What happened to her?
Maybe it’s the water! Wait! Let
me ask you, “Do you think if I
became more proficient with these
different local dialects, would that
count as being multilingual? Eh!
Or maybe it’s just really time for
a hearing device? What? What?”
Getting back to phones, last
week I got a call asking me to
dial a special number within five
minutes so I wouldn’t have a
$4,000 charge to my credit card
denied. Really? I’m bad. I didn’t
call and I deprived someone the
pleasure of a shopping excursion
at my expense. Another time I
was offered a discount trip to a
country engaged in a civil war. If
I reserved a spot now, they would
include life insurance at no extra
cost. Really? The best one was a
cruise to nowhere. It truly was to
nowhere. It was from Battery Park
to Governor’s Island for $1,500
and it would include a “gourmet”
lunch. Maybe it wasn’t all that bad.
The lunch was from one of those
hot dog stands that said, “We have
gourmet hot dogs.” Do you know
that some of the animal parts used
THE HAPPY (off the)
HOOKER*
22 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ February 2021