50 LONGISLANDPRESS.COM • OCTOBER 2018
BY TIMOTHY BOLGER
After her husband unexpectedly died
at age 44, Kathryn Douglas was so frustrated
with Long Island widow support
groups that she walked out of one and
founded a group of her own.
In the 12 years since, her nondenominational
nonprofit, Widowed
Not Alone, has grown from a couple
dozen young widows and widowers
meeting at St. Matthew’s Roman Catholic
Church in Dix Hills to a community
of hundreds.
“I had no idea there was this many
widows and widowers on Long Island,”
says the 61-year-old semi-retired muralist
from Bay Shore who volunteers for the
group full time. “I try to give them hope.
That there’s ways to get through this.”
It’s one of many such groups on LI,
but what sets it apart is its flexibility.
It allows members to join immediately,
while others require a three-month
waiting period after a spouse’s death.
“That’s my biggest gripe,” she says,
noting that she’s taken in people a
week removed from their loss. “You
could be suicidal in three months.”
Although sessions end after eight
weeks, unlike other bereavement
groups, Widowed Not Alone members
continue to meet bimonthly
afterward for as long as they like.
“The continuation is one of the most
important things that we do,” says Arlene
Ricca, of Glen Head, who lost her
husband in her 50s, joined Douglas’
group and now helps run it. “We don’t
just throw them out after eight weeks
and say, ‘OK, you’re on your own!’”
The group, which is geared toward
young people, runs three eight-week
sessions: One for those 50 and younger,
another for ages 51 to 56 and a recently
added group for those up to 65. Sessions
run simultaneously three times
annually, with the next groups starting
in January. There are also sessions
for children who’ve lost parents.
The group helps participants cope
with trigger days such as birthdays
and anniversaries. It also offers socialization
and help with everything
from finding trusted handymen and
handywomen to babysitters.
Fifty-eight people are in the
current sessions, which started in
September. People have come to the
group after suffering all types of
loss, from the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks to
suicide. Women have come pregnant
with their late spouse’s child.
“We try to cover all the ages,”
says Douglas, who was 42 when
her husband died and recalls her
youngest member joining at age
21. “These people are still young.
They’re still working and they’re
still driving.”
Douglas understands loss. She met
her second husband, a widower, in a
bereavement group. After the couple,
who each had three children, became
a blended family, she lost a stepson
five years ago.
Douglas vowed to create a more
compassionate bereavement group
than the ones she experienced, where
participants shared more details than
she could bear while grieving. She
took as a sign the answer she got upon
calling St. Matthew’s to inquire about
setting up such a group.
“‘I was just praying for help with
bereavement when you called,’”
Douglas recalls the nun who answered
the phone telling her. “I was
there in five minutes.”
She now has nine helpers and five
more in training, all volunteers. The
group is working on outreach to ensure
more people can find the group.
Ricca warns that those who don’t talk
about their issues are likely to face
medical consequences as a result of
bottling them up.
“A lot of the stress and the anxiety
that goes along with the loss of a
loved one takes a toll on your body,”
says Ricca, who was diagnosed with
irregular heartbeats known as
broken-heart syndrome and was
unable to work for two years after
her husband’s death. “The men suffer
anxiety, but women have sicknesses
related to their anger.”
The group also prepares participants
for how to handle the insensitive
things that people sometimes say
to those who’ve lost a spouse, such as,
“You’re beautiful, you’ll be married
again in six months” or “It’s been six
months, you’re still grieving?”
Douglas notes that those who pass
will always be in their surviving
spouse’s heart.
“We’re not just a support group,”
Ricca says. “We’re a family.”
For more information, visit
widowednotalone.com
COPING WITH DEATH
A fast-growing Long Island nonprofit aims to help widows and widowers get back on their feet (Photo by Antonio
GuillemShutterstock)
YOUNG WIDOWS:
WIDOWED NOT ALONE