60 The Queens Courier • coping with death • march 7, 2013 for breaking news visit www.queenscourier.com coping with death s COPING WITH GRIEF By Candita Robertson “How long am I going to feel this way?” The answer for one who is grieving might just too much to bear, for grief is not a destination, it’s a journey. It is a process that can sometimes be long and complicated. No two people may grieve the same way. Women may be more verbal, displaying their loss, emotionally through crying or talking, while men may express their loss through physical activities, such as mowing the lawn and cleaning the house. Teenagers may suddenly become isolated and non-verbal, and younger children may be fearful and scared to leave a family member’s side. Although everyone expresses their emotions and copes in different ways, there is one thing which is uniform: the aftermath of death causes one of the most painful, overwhelming, and isolating feelings one can experience. I cannot say you will never feel pain or the loss of your loved one, but the process will allow you to live on despite the pain. Here are a few helpful tips for your journey. Give Time… Time Some believe that the second or third year of their loss will be easier than the first. This is sometimes not the case. The proceeding years can be even more difficult than the first, especially if you have delayed your grieving process. The first year of a loss one can still be experiencing shock and denial. Some are still operating on autopilot in order to handle the matters associated with their loved one’s departure. In cases where a loved one was killed, sometimes the family is engaged in the criminal justice process and their attention may be focused on going to court and pursuing justice for their loved one. Don’t put a time limit on your process; your process is your own, but don’t delay the work. Give Your Self Permission On your journey you will have good days, where you may feel like you are OK. There will also be days where you feel as if the world is coming to an end. This is perfectly normal. Give yourself permission to have a bad day and celebrate your good days. Get the Right Support Death sometimes makes others uncomfortable and they may not know the right thing to say to you. In their effort to make you “feel better” someone may offend you. Just remember that most likely they have good intentions and may not be aware how they may be coming across. Try and surround yourself with people who do understand, and at the very least are willing to listen and let you express how you feel. Keep Your Loved One Alive Your loved one is gone physically, but not spiritually. Find ways to keep the memory of your loved one alive. Talk about your loved one and give others permission to do so too. Let them know it helps you and makes you feel good when they mention your loved one’s name. When you are ready do something to honor your loved one like start a foundation or a scholarship in their name. Try scrapbooking or have family night where you can go through pictures of the special times you shared. Remember, this is done when you are ready. Even when you are ready it may be emotional, but you will also feel like you have connected with your loved one. Take Care of Self Take good care of yourself. In this time you may not feel like eating or sleeping and may be experiencing symptoms of depression. Do not use unhealthy coping mechanisms, like drugs or alcohol to deal with your grief; this will only complicate the matter. Do go for walks, write in a journal, meditate, exercise, get plenty of rest, eat well balanced meals and spend time with others. Faith for Healing Remember it’s normal to question the God of your understanding. Many people often feel like God let them down. Or if there was a God, why would He allow this to happen? The truth is, we do not know these answers. Some people use their faith to help bring understanding and peace into a very confusing and challenging time. Photo by Candita Robertson Counseling for Healing Sometimes it’s hard for family and friends to grieve together, as one tries to be strong for the other. Sometimes it is difficult to find someone who will actually listen without judgment. In this case you may benefit from talking with an experienced counselor. When you talk with a mental health professional their job is to listen with objectivity and help you in your process. Remember, you don’t have to go through this journey alone. Call New Hope Mental Health Counseling P.C. at (718) 440-9637 and make an appointment to speak with one of our experienced counselors today, we accept most major insurance. Please also visit us at www.newhopecares.com.
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