THE INCREDIBLE BULK
Cheaper by the dozen, I can
get it for you wholesale--or
the incredible bulk.
Even with all the progress that’s
being done with genetics, I’m sure
my problem is one that is incurable.
If something’s on sale or discount-ed,
I’m going to buy it. What is
wrong with that? Many times, if
it’s in bulk or something I already
have but now consider it a bargain,
I can’t refuse. I know as friends
you won’t be judgmental so and
I’ll share this tidbit with you. For
example, in clothing, I have dozens
of black tops in every shape, kind or
size – long sleeves, short sleeves or
no sleeves, high neck, jewel neck, v
neck, no neck, dressy, sporty, knee
length, mid-calf and maxi, but I
just had to buy another one today.
This new one was light weight and
expands on a whole new category
to shop from – density of fabric –
summer, winter, fall and spring. Did
I miss something? I have dozens
of denim pants and jackets. I love
denim. The funny thing is that if
I wore the same things in denim
over and over, who would know
the difference? The problem is that
I would.
Could it be that as a child,
because my mom who always
took me shopping with her for
merchandise for her ladies’ wear
shop, that I became addicted to the
idea of buying in quantity? When
she bought things by the dozen, did
that concept of volume become
imbedded in my mind? All I knew
was, when I needed something for
myself it was there for the taking.
It never mattered how many. As
I write this fable, I’m beginning
to think that might be where my
problem originated from.
Just a few months back, I didn’t
feel comfortable unless I had quan-tities
of things. I had 13 spinach
pies in the freezer. I don’t even
like spinach. How about six bot-tles
of shampoo – 64 ounce size?
Considering how rapidly I’m losing
my hair, I have enough shampoo
left over for the next ten years. Last
week I really went overboard when
I went to Costco. Do you know they
now have an express lane for 150
items or less? While I was there I
bought a 10-pack of packing tape. It
was a special and I thought “What
a bargain!” The problem is that I
still have unused tape from when
I moved in a dozen years ago. Like
few things in life, this tape seems to
have a shelf life of forever. It’s still
sticky and I have to be careful when
I use it. It sticks to everything. Last
week I had to yell for my neighbor
because my fingers and hands were
stuck together. This stuff is virtually
indestructible. From what I saw of
him, maybe King Tut might have
held up better after these 3,300
years if they used this packing tape
to mummify him?
Oy, and the toothpaste I’ve
collected! Officially my favorite,
Colgate, has 32 varieties. Not quite
as many as the Heinz logo professes,
but of course I’m not eating this
stuff, only brushing with it. I have
tried so many different labels of this
dental product and their various
types such as fluoridated, herbal,
sensitive, whitener and tartar con-trol
that I can almost recognize
the different brands while wearing
a blindfold. Did you know that
there really isn’t much difference
between one brand of toothpaste
and another? Incidentally, I’ve
discovered there’s a new toothpaste
which has an ingredient that puts
back lost minerals for tooth enamel
and helps to treats sensitivity while
you sleep. These days there are so
many new innovations medically
and nutritionally that help us while
we sleep, soon we’ll be able to stay
in bed and sleep all day long. I’m
all for that.
Let’s get back to my other prob-lems
related to my voluminous
shopping. Pretty soon I’m going to
have to find more space for all my
bulk purchases and resulting accu-mulations.
According to my version
of Shakespeare, “He who buyeth
must storeth.” So, I’m thinking of
putting auto jacks under my bed so I
can lift it and add more to the things
that I already have collected there.
I’m thinking with the height of the
ceiling I might be able to create a
loft and build a little storage closet
below. Wait! Wait! Really, I’m not so
sure about that. I’m afraid of heights.
With one exception, tall men. My
husband was 6’3” and I was never
afraid of him, and he was great at
reaching for things. Anyway, climb-ing
up and down those stairs to get
to the loft might be great exercise, but
what if every now and then I happen
to fall out of bed. It might prove to
be too backbreaking, literally and
figuratively. Right now, I feel like
the Princess in The Princess and
the Pea. When I roll over in bed, I
can tell you exactly what’s under a
particular bump. Oops, right now
as I’m writing in bed, I feel where
I’ve stored the 30 vases that I use for
decorations for the Women’s Club.
If I move a little to the left I can feel
the 200 artificial flowers that I stuff
them with.
As for food, my freezer has
massive amounts of food to use
up. Included in my inventory
are three dozen lamb chops, the
aforementioned spinach pies, 12
mini pizzas, mountains of frozen
vegetables, plus 4 half gallons of
Breyer’s sugar free, multi-flavored
ice cream. That’s just for starters.
I really should put dates on that
stuff. I think there’s even a piece of
cake from my wedding 59 years ago.
Because this will last a while, I may
eventually have to buy an upright to
be able to store other consumables.
Do you think a niche built into my
entrance foyer for another freezer,
maybe a locker, might be too con-spicuous?
Nah! I’m thinking maybe
it’s not a good idea! Someone might
mistake it for the guest bathroom
and walk right into it. You might
think why not get storage space?
I’m not into the extra storage space.
That could create other unforeseen
problems. What if I happen to run
out of toilet tissue when I need it?
What do I do then? Will a call to
maintenance help me out?
Decisions! Decisions! I don’t
really sulk over this bulk, but in the
meantime if you happen to have
a little space available to hold my
6 bags of family-size popcorn, I’d
appreciate it.
Take care. Stay safe. Love ya.
Your gold medal winner for bulk
shopping,
Gloria
P.S. Right after I wrote this story
my freezer and fridge blew. What
a loss!
October 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 27