perceived as “wrong” choices, particularly the
things they failed to do: regrets over not being
a “good enough” son or daughter, husband, or
father; regrets over not being braver and taking
more risks in following personal aspirations,
or, conversely, not being more prudent; regrets
over failing to try harder to make a relationship
work, or, conversely, staying too long in
a relationship that didn’t work; regrets over
missed career opportunities; over failing to
spend enough time with family; over not telling
beloved people how much they were loved; over
not practicing kindness more often – holding
grudges, unable to let go. The haunting question
is often: What would have happened if I would
have acted differently? A question that can
never be accurately answered...
The regrets I am focusing on are mostly
Existential Regrets. An Existential Regret is
defined in a paper by Dr. Marijo Lucas as “a
profound desire to go back and change a past
experience in which one has failed to choose
consciously or has made a choice that did not
follow one’s beliefs, values, or growth needs.”
An existential regret is hinged on having a personal
choice.
In making decisions, we are guided by one of
two paradigms (sometimes by both):
Outcome-Driven Decision Making is based
on perceived outcome. Our choice is prompted
by an attempt to maximize chances of getting
a particular result. In constructive Outcome-
Driven Decision Making, we pause and weigh
the options, assessing probable outcomes of
differing courses of action:
1. What is most likely to happen if I do X?
2. What is the probable outcome if I do Y?
3. Which outcome has a higher probability
of occurring?
4. What is the level of risk I am willing to
tolerate?
A “bad” decision will be determined by an
unwished-for outcome. A “good” decision will
be one that led to a desirable outcome.
Principle-Based Decision Making is based
on our values and principles. Our choice is
prompted primarily by what we believe is “the
right thing.” Principle-based choices are conscious
and conscientious. The option selected
must dovetail our morals and ideals.
Have you ever experienced an Anticipated
Regret? An Anticipated Regret is predicting a
disappointment before a choice is made or an
action taken. Telling ourselves: “I know I am
going to regret this,” before doing something
anyway, or hearing from another person (often a
parental figure): “You are going to regret this...”
Fear of regret stems from foreseeing the agony
of regret if our choice turns out to be a “wrong”
one. Fear of regret may impact decision making.
Some people are so risk averse that they try to
delay or avoid all important decisions. Others
go the other way: making quick decisions, so
as not to experience the discomfort of having
to think about it.
Should we try to live our lives regret-free?
No, it is not possible. It is truly not realistic to
expect every decision we make to be a good one!
Also, remember, when people review their lives,
they experience regret more often for what they
have not done. All too often, we try to stay in
the seemingly safe comfort zone of the familiar
– afraid to venture, for fear of making regrettable
mistakes. A better question would be:
How can we best cope with our regrets?
To begin with, we must remember that, no
matter what we opt for, there is always much
that we cannot know in advance, so there is
always a risk. Hindsight is 20/20. When we look
back at a situation or event, we have a clearer
understanding of it and how things could have
been done better. But if we assess a decision
within the context of the information and life
experience available to us at the time we made
it (rather than through the history of what happened
later, which we could not have predicted
at the time), our choice may make sense. When
we made a decision that led to regret, we might
have had good enough reasons to make it, and
no good ways to anticipate the bad outcome.
Constructive evaluation of our past mistakes
can equip us to make better subsequent
choices. The ability to reflect on our actions
is an important tool. Existential psychologist,
Irvin Yalom, claims that regrets have been given
a bad name for no good reason: properly used,
regret is a tool that can help us take actions to
prevent its further accumulation. When we look
at the past, we may experience regret for all that
we have not fulfilled. But if we look into the
future, we can use our regrets to maximize the
possibility of avoiding new regretful choices.
Most importantly, we have to keep in mind
that in regretting missed opportunities – we are
comparing a road taken, with all its pitfalls and
imperfections, to a road not taken, where we
don’t really have a way of knowing what might
have been. There were multiple possibilities that
we could not envision. Perceiving what you did
as worthy of regret and what you didn’t do as
potentially perfect is magical thinking...
Remember the film Sliding Doors? The film’s
underlying premise is that a woman’s life – both
her love life and career – depend on (unbeknownst
to her) whether or not she catches a
train. The film shows us two parallel lives: in
one life, the woman catches the train, and in
the other life she does not. So often, a seemingly
insignificant event, or small decision, determines
the course of one’s life, and we never know for
sure which choice will become a regret...
The playwright and essayist, Arthur Miller,
who writes about the inevitability of regrets,
introduces an interesting idea:
“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up
with the right regrets.”
What are “right regrets”? Are they the ones
that become valuable learning experiences (as
compared to “wrong regrets” – the ones we just
beat ourselves up for)? Or, are the “right regrets”
the ones where we took risks – daring to pursue
opportunities which entailed a high price, but
led to meaningful experiences? Or, are the “right
regrets” the ones over mistakes with subsequent
solutions, the ones that offered us opportunities
to correct? You decide!
My poetic version:
REGRET
So, you made a wrong move.
You suspected it would be
but made it anyhow
and, like in a game of chess,
the minute your piece touched
the board, you knew!
Yes, you made a mistake,
and your regret
holds itself against you –
following you around,
refusing to recede,
glaring at you with accusing eyes.
But you stay in the game.
Resolute, you size up
the new state of affairs,
take along all you have learned,
and proceed onward
wiser and more aware...
~ Nurit Israeli
In summary, reflecting backwards offers
insight and perspective. Life is filled with
options and a constant need to make decisions.
Mistakes are inevitable, and responding
to mistakes with regret is human. Not
everything we did (and all that happened to
us as a result) has been perfect. Looking at
our regrets teaches us about ourselves, our
values, our evolution. We may find out that
we are not really who we thought we were
way back when. We may find out that our
values evolved, that our priorities changed.
Our regrets – big and small – are a part of
our journey, part of how we reached wherever
we are now. Let us own up to them, correct
them if possible, or find ways to live with
them the best we can. Let our regrets be our
gateways to insights, bridges to wiser living.
As Henry David Thoreau advised:
“Make the most of your regrets... To regret
deeply is to live afresh.”
August 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 23