easy, as if they hadn’t already tried) is not helpful.
Instead, identifying the sources of anxiety
and shrinking the lists of things to worry about
may be helpful (some find it helpful to “worry
constructively” by focusing on one worry at a
time). Finding actions that give us some sense
of control is helpful too: “listening” to a worry
and taking whatever action we can on its behalf.
We must also try to not hold ourselves
accountable for things we cannot control. “This
happened,” you can tell yourself. “It should not
have happened. Things don’t always happen for
a reason we readily comprehend. What happens
is often not fair or not reasonable. Bad things
do happen to good people (as good things do
happen to bad people). I am doing the best I
can. It doesn’t always work. This is the way of
the world.” Yes, the serenity to accept what
we cannot change... American novelist, Tom
Robbins, wisely said:
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion
to the amount of uncertainty you can
comfortably deal with.”
Also helpful is reaching out to people we
trust: those who accept us, meet us where we
are rather than needing us to be a certain way
or proceed in a certain direction. It feels good
to share our concerns with those who can offer
support – tell them what we are struggling with,
burdened by, fearful of; allow them to offer
perspective and new ideas. Feeling understood,
accepted, and supported can help us stay resilient
during times of confusing uncertainties.
Breathing and meditation are very helpful
in managing uncertainty-related stress. Slow,
deep, deliberate breathing, even if for just a
few minutes, helps deactivate the sympathetic
nervous system which regulates the fight-orflight
response. It activates the parasympathetic
nervous system responsible for the relaxation
response.
An example of a brief meditation focused
on uncertainties: Find a comfortable position,
sitting or lying down. Close your eyes.
Focus on your breath. Take some slow, deep
breaths. Allow yourself to feel and observe the
uncertainty you are experiencing. What are you
worried about? How does uncertainty make
you feel? Check in with your body: Where in
your body do you feel the stress? Your shoulders?
Your neck? Your jaw? Your stomach?
Try to physically relax these body parts. Now
try to envision your uncertainties as clouds – let
them pass through your mind, then drift away,
as you try to gently bring your attention back
to the present moment and to your breathing.
Release the discomfort: Gently let go of your
cravings for reassurances or guarantees and sit
for a few minutes in the void of not knowing
the answers. It is OK if your mind wanders.
Acknowledge it without judgement and try
to refocus your attention back on the present
moment and on your breathing. In and out...
In and out...
The essence of coping with uncertainties?
Stretching our ability to feel more comfortable
with the unknown. Buddhist philosophy is
based on the premise that all certainty is an
illusion, and that seeking certainty is a major
source of suffering. Using the words of Pema
Chodron, writer of the book, Living with
Uncertainty:
“The root of suffering is resisting the certainty
that no matter what the circumstances,
uncertainty is all we truly have.”
The Buddhist teachings instruct followers
to practice acceptance, rather than treat life
events as deviations from what is supposed
to be happening. The goal is staying with the
discomfort of uncertainty and developing
response flexibility, which is the neurobiological
foundation of resilience. As historian
Yuval Noah Harari concluded in his book, 21
Lessons for the 21st Century:
“To survive and flourish... you will need a
lot of mental flexibility and great reserves of
emotional balance. You will have to repeatedly
let go of some of what you know best,
and feel at home with the unknown.”
Que sera sera is a Spanish phrase that connotes
leaving one’s life in the hands of fate.
The idiom was popularized in the 1950’s,
when Doris Day sang the song for an Alfred
Hitchcock film called The Man Who Knew
Too Much (the lyricist was Ray Evans). The
song received the 1956 Academy Award for
Best Original Song. The three verses progress
through the life of the narrator – from childhood,
through young adulthood, to parenthood.
The question remains the same: What
will be? What lies ahead? The answer remains
the same too: What will be, will be. The phrase
has been adopted in countries around the
world. Versions of the song have been recorded
in many languages. Unlike somber acceptance
of the need to live with uncertainty, the song
depicts cheerful fatalism, a message of resignation
and stoicism: Fate is arbitrary. Go with
the flow. Don’t worry about the future. There
is nothing you can do about it. Accept things
as they are. Live life now. What is intended
to happen will happen. If it’s meant to be, it
will be. The song promotes jovial acceptance:
“Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be will be.”
Are you a fatalist? Do you too believe that
whatever is meant to be will be? That we
should just wait and see what happens? That
a greater force works behind the scenes in
our lives, beyond our limited perspective?
That we should just go with the flow? That
we cannot and should not try to “control”
the future? Or do you lean toward believing
that, though we can’t change the past (whatever
was, was...), we should use foresight
and rational planning, trying to control what
the future might hold?
Hope is a major ingredient in coping with
uncertainties. Hope is like an anchor we try
to cast beyond a stressful present all the way
toward a better future, toward a reality that
does not exist as of yet – composed of our
wishes, imaginings, yearnings... We cast the
anchor of hope toward that better future and
hope it will pull us along...
I can’t summarize my thoughts on uncertainty
without acknowledging that there have been
times in my life when I chose to leap into something
completely uncertain in pursuit of what
moved me. Taking risks – in career, life planning,
relationships, etc. necessitates a resolution to face
uncertainty and an attempt to balance intuition
and reason, spontaneity and caution. Some of
the (rare) times when I allowed myself to let go
of the shore and sail away from my familiar and
safe world resulted in profound life-deepening
experiences that expanded my world.
Yes, sometimes we are not sure where a path
will lead, but choose to follow it nevertheless
because some inner voice, beyond logic or
learned responses, prompts us to try. I nod in
agreement to Vincent Van Gogh’s disclosure:
“I know nothing with any certainty. But the
sight of the stars makes me dream.”
My poetic version:
IN THE PLAY
THAT IS MY LIFE
In the play that is my life there is no script
and there are no rehearsals.
I am making things up as I go along.
In the play that is my life there is no
director
to lead and oversee and no prompter
to cue me when I forget my lines.
There is still no title to the play that is
my life.
I know most of the story,
but I can’t choose a name before I see
the ending.
I don’t know how many acts are in the play
that is my life. Whether it is long or short.
Whether it ends slowly or abruptly in the
middle.
And when the curtain comes down,
I don’t know how long it will take
for the play to be forgotten.
So, I improvise ad-lib in the play that is
my life.
With a makeshift compass, I steer the plot
to new ports – savoring the offerings.
Perhaps there is nothing else I need
to know.
There is magic in scenes that cannot be
foreseen,
and maybe this is enough.
~ Nurit Israeli
April 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 29