I don’t like drama in my life. I
don’t like anything (maybe eat-ing
a piece of cheesecake) that
makes my heart beat any faster than
it should. That is what controls most
decisions I make. It even applies to
watching TV. The old movies on
the Turner channel and some out-standing
PBS programs have my
undivided attention, but my favorite
channel is HGTV. Years ago, my
dream was to become an architect,
so I’m naturally drawn to a place
where I can see homes that are
remodeled, restyled, rebuilt, repur-posed,
rehabilitated and re-some-thing.
I’ve learned by watching that
kitchens are a very big attraction to
home buyers, especially if you love
to cook and entertain. There are
gourmet appliances equipped to
do everything for you. Well, since
I’m not much of a cook, a rack that
holds take-out menus might appeal
to me more.
One room that really catches my
eye (and probably the eye of many
more people who just won’t admit
it) is the bathroom. I call it my lab.
You know that’s where most wom-en
put themselves together. I have
often said, “An ideal bathroom is
one that has concave mirrors that
makes me look 20 years younger
and 20 pounds thinner.” Truthfully,
I do know from experience that
taking off my glasses would almost
achieve the same effect.
So recently when I read a story
about the contents of a very unusual
bathroom that belonged to Frank
Sinatra, it got my immediate atten-tion.
Listen! Basically, a bathroom
is a bathroom. Every bathroom
needs certain “bare essentials.”
The type of essentials you have and
what you do with them probably
makes the difference. What made
this bathroom so extraordinary was
that it had a toilet made out of black
and gold marble and a gold-topped
toilet seat and of course, it was once
owned by a famous celebrity. The
story opens with how “old poo eyes
did it his way.” The article then pro-ceeded
to proclaim that “Frank’s
fans must be flushed with money”
because three of his commodes
were sold for over $11,000. Would
you believe the story took up ¾ of
a page? You would think with all
that’s happening in our country and
events occurring worldwide there
would be more important things
to write about. My goodness, even
the royal family is in a mess! By
the way, does the Queen have two
different thrones, one for royal busi-ness
and one for a royal flush? Do
you think she calls it a “throne” like
some of us do? Which one does she
sit on in full royal regalia? Maybe
both! Well, if we call our commode
a “throne” can we be considered
a “King or Queen” at some point
during the day?
While doing my research on bath-rooms,
I found a bathroom can be
way more than a bathroom, but can
a commode really be more than a
commode? I found one that was
over $10,000. Does it come with
a per diem assistant who hands
you a towelette or someone who
can “go” for you? It didn’t look so
different from any others I’ve seen
and I couldn’t imagine why it was
so expensive! Toilets almost come
in one size fits all. Some may be a
little wider, some a little taller or
shorter, but let’s be honest, essen-tially
they’re all there to serve one
purpose.
I was thinking about some items
that I could add to my commode,
kind of like when I purchase a car
- a reclining, heated or air-condi-tioned
seat, which you can also
raise or lower or move forward
or backwards, a “rear view” mir-ror
for when you back up, wrap
around music, and a phone. If it
came with hundreds of books to
download that would also be a fab
idea. Reading is great in the bath-room.
Books are one thing, but I’m
thinking I should stop reading the
newspaper there. Lately, everything
I read about seems to be gloom
and doom. Wait! Maybe I should
change my mind about that. Some
of those stories should stay in the
bathroom where they are in their
natural environment.
While many things could be add-ons
to a commode, there is a critical
must-have: toilet paper. During my
research I found that the first men-tion
of toilet paper was in Korea in
589 AD and the first commercial
toilet paper was invented in 1857.
I hate to think of what the alter-natives
were during those times. I
heard somewhere you can tell how
the economy is affecting the peo-ple
you know by the types of toilet
paper they are using. Rough paper
is like sandpaper - rough times. Soft
and cushy - things are great.
Are you aware that the varieties
of toilet tissue in the supermarket
cover almost all of one aisle? Who
knew that it would become a whole
industry? There are skinny mega
rolls, softer mega rolls, jumbo mega
rolls, jumbo junior, one-ply, two-ply,
softer wider rolls, narrower rolls,
half sheets, whole sheets, recycled
paper and a forever roll. Oy! I could
spend a day just making a decision.
Do you have to have a fitting before
you buy this stuff?
The say the rolls of paper are
getting longer but I think they are
becoming narrower. Think band-aid!
I’m afraid to dwell on what
toilet paper might be recycled
from. Last week I think it was wood
pulp because I got a splinter. Do
you know there is a toilet paper
encyclopedia? One of the remarks
made about toilet paper on its
‘History of Toilet Paper’ website is
that “It should be most comfortable
when it feels like fine wine.” Really!
I was under the impression you’re
supposed to drink wine.
By the way, I checked out the
history of toilets. It has been
stated that “Along with modern
sewage systems, toilets are one of
the most important inventions.
Many of us take them for grant-ed,
but try going one day without
a toilet and see what happens.”
Toilet plumbing was upgraded
in the late 19th century by a Brit,
Thomas Crapper. He invented
the floater inside the toilet tank,
which is still used today. You may
have heard his name applied to a
bathroom, but in a different way.
Now you know why. On occasion
we may have heard the names of
toilet manufacturers and where to
find their wares; however, I found
a website with alternative names
for the toilet “business” that are
catchier and more fun. How would
you like to sit with “The Porcelain
God, or “Meet Me in “St. Loo-is?”
Would like to see where Napoleon
met his “Water-Loo?” I don’t
know if I’ll ever get invited to the
White House but I can go to “The
Oval Office” in the privacy of my
own home. A weather forecaster
might consider “ The Half Moon.”
How about a “North Shore Tower
Power Potty?”
If I wanted to re-outfit my bath-room,
I’d have a small treadmill, a
desk to work at, a mini fridge and
a recliner, and maybe an ottoman
for my feet. Why not? If I am taking
care of my “seat,” why not my feet?
This might really work out even
better for me. Everything I could
want would be at my fingertips.
You know some people call their
bathroom the “John.” With all the
time I could now spend there, I may
call mine the “Jim.”* Just think, if
I tell someone I spent two hours
in the “Jim” today, wouldn’t that
sound impressive?
Anyway, I have to stop now.
It’s almost time for my aperitif.
Metamucil on the rocks, anyone?
*Compliments to the Maxine
cartoon.
GOING IN STYLE……….
Sinatra’s commode -a bargain at twice the price!
March 2020 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 23