THE WHOLE TRUTH?
AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?
BY DR. NURIT ISRAELI
“Everything we hear is an opinion,
not a fact. Everything we see
is a perspective, not the truth.” ~
Marcus Aurelius
- Is there an absolute truth, or is
truth relative?
- Should we always tell the whole
truth?
- Are there situations in which
dishonesty is morally justified?
- Are there “good lies”?
From a very young age, my
parents taught me to never lie
and insisted on the absolute
importance of honesty. I continued
the tradition, preaching the power
of truth throughout the upbringing
of my children. When my daughter
was three years old, she came along
with me to a store with a common
dressing room. As I was busy trying
outfits, I noticed her watching
attentively an older woman trying
on a bathing suit. “Little girl, do you
like the bathing suit?” the woman
asked her playfully. My daughter
thought for a minute and then
responded solemnly: “The bathing
suit is very nice, but your tushy is
too big for it...” Fortunately, the
kind woman was rolling with laughter
(and agreed with the feedback...).
On our way home, I tried to explain
to a three-year-old, who had been
taught about the power of truth,
that the issue of truth-telling is more
nuanced, that not all situations
demand the same level of truthfulness,
and that sometimes the need
to protect others’ feelings is more
important than brutal honesty…
In our North Shore Towers
Cinema Club, we recently discussed
the 2019 film “The Farewell,” an
autobiographical film about a
young Chinese-American woman
who returns to China to bid
farewell to her reportedly dying
grandmother. At the outset of the
film, it is declared that the film is
“based on an actual lie.” The lie
is telling a grandmother, who has
been diagnosed with terminal lung
cancer, that she has pneumonia.
The lie is actual, since it was told to
the filmmaker’s own grandmother.
According to the film, keeping terminal
illness a secret from loved
ones is the traditional Chinese way.
In the film, doctors and nurses comply.
A copy shop is paid to alter
test results, describing the tumors
as “benign shadows.” Family members
are united in their decision
to hide the truth. The only family
member who is ambivalent about
the lying plan is the granddaughter.
“Isn’t it wrong to lie?” the granddaughter
asks her grandmother’s
physician. “What if she wants to
say goodbye?” “It’s a good lie,” the
physician responds, “most families
in China would not tell her.”
My talk at the Cinema Club
meeting focused on the morality
of deception. Should the grandmother
have been told the brutal
truth? Would she have liked to
know? Are there circumstances
when ignorance may be blissful?
On one hand, we can say that the
grandmother had a right to know,
a right to deal with her impending
death any way she chose. On the
other hand, this was a well-intentioned
deception. Isn’t it cruel to
take away hope from a terminally
ill patient? Did the grandmother’s
belief that she was well extend her
life? Would the shock of knowing
put an end to her ability to enjoy
whatever life she had left? Did the
lie have protective powers? The
positive physiological and psychological
effects of hope are well
documented. Hope can help heal,
and the reality is that six years after
a diagnosis that gave this grandmother
three months to live, she
was still alive and well!
The film presents the dilemma
without judgement or pronouncement
as to whose approach is best.
It looks at all sides with an open
mind. Personally, this film made me
respectful of both ways of handling
such a dilemma. There are different
ways to behave lovingly and different
manifestations of family loyalty.
We all struggle with these existential
dilemmas and must decide upon
our own solutions.
The morality of deception is
complex. We are all likely to agree
that some lies are immoral: When
a person knowingly tells a lie that
inflicts harm on another. Or when
a person tells a lie that benefits
himself, the liar, where he or she
gains some advantage from lying.
Or when the lie’s purpose is to
manipulate and exploit others. But
what about prosocial, benevolent
lies? Lies told with the intention
to help or protect others? Lies that
are altruistic in intent?
Is it wrong to tell a woman suffering
from dementia, who repeatedly
asks her daughter when her
husband is coming, forgetting that
he died years ago, “Maybe later”?
Is such a gentle lie acceptable? Or
should we insist on the truth and
remind her that her husband is
dead? Is it immoral to tell a child
that a loved one is now a star up
above?
Or, imagine living in Nazi
Germany and knowing Jews are
hidden in your village, but when
German officers knock on your
door, you say you didn’t see any
Jews. Here, a lie is necessary to
spare lives, and it is immoral to
tell the truth!
A few years ago, in a conference
on Mind Body Medicine with Dr.
Herbert Benson, the Harvard cardiologist
who founded the Mind Body
Medical Institute at Massachusetts
General Hospital, he shared a
personal story: His elderly mother
underwent a life-saving valve
replacement surgery. The surgeons
used a pig heart valve. Despite the
fact that the surgery was successful,
she did not recuperate as well as
expected. When he asked her why
she was visibly upset, his mother,
an observant Jew, admitted being
unable to come to terms with the
fact that a non-kosher valve was
transplanted in her body. Without
hesitation, Dr. Benson told her
that there was a special blessing
which turns non-kosher valves
into kosher valves. He proceeded
to invite the hospital’s rabbi to
bless the transplanted valve and,
to his delight, his mother made a
January 2020 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 29