C R Y D E R P O I N T DECEMBER 9 Dasher, Dancer & Vixen, CPAs Certified Prancing Accountants 123 Reindeer Way, Suite 3A, North Pole, NP 00001 www.qNS.com | DECEMBER 2016 | CRYDER POINT Courier 9 Dan Dasher Dan Dasher, CEO Dan Dasher Don Dancer, President Vivian Vixen Vivian Vixen, Vice President Six Geese-a-Laying and Seven Swans-a-Swimming The geese and swans are under one line item since they all regularly trespass on your property in nice weather and turn your dock into a poop deck. Frankly, this is not our problem. However, we here at DD&V care about our clients and have talked to your attorney. He said that you should contact him in the spring to mediate with the flock and agree on a formal visitation policy. Fortunately, your attorney is a mensch and will include this negotiation in his regular retainer, so the co-op will not incur additional legal fees for this service. Eight Maids-a-Milking We admire your concern for your residents’ inconvenience because there is currently no supermarket on 154th Street. Your plan to hire milkmaids on long-term temporary basis until a new one opens is a unique, albeit completely idiotic, idea. What were you going to do, buy a cow while you were at it? Regardless, the milkmaids would add $3,520 per week to payroll due to the new minimum wage increase which you cannot afford. Fortunately, Key Food has several openings in their Dairy Department. Nine Ladies Dancing You thought having a few ladies offer dance lessons in the 01 Community Room would be a good way to earn some extra revenue for the co-op. Frankly we were stunned that you came up with an idea that wasn’t totally moronic—that is until you told us that the contract didn’t clearly explain the particular kind of dancing these ladies do. Your attorney explained that the agreement says “lap dance,” not “Lapp dance,” but not until after the first lesson took place and several gentlemen were rushed to St. Francis with heart palpitations. The employment agency contends that it is all “an unfortunate misunderstanding,” and the matter is now pending litigation. We’re still laughing our antlers off over this one, but we sincerely hope this incident will not result in a lengthy, expensive lawsuit. More important, we pray that someday one of you illiterates will learn how to read. Ten Lords-a-Leaping We’re dying to know which one of you dopes wanted to bring in these guys to impress potential buyers with their British accents and fancy duds. We can only figure someone must have been binging way too much on Downton Abbey. Anyway, your insurance agent says that you will have to carry additional liability coverage due to their leaping all over the property and creating a safety hazard to residents and visitors, so your premiums would increase significantly. Note that seven of them have a standing invitation to work for the Royal Family, and the others have successfully auditioned for the New York City Ballet. Eleven Pipers Piping Which one of you brainiacs thought you were hiring some guys to help out with plumbing repairs? As you dunderheads finally figured out, these guys turned out to be a bunch of itinerant subway musicians from 42nd Street. On a happy note, nine of them really hit it off with the dancing ladies and are on their way to Vegas, and the other two have gotten gigs with the Peoria Symphony Orchestra. Twelve Drummers Drumming What, you don’t have enough problems with noise complaints already? Someone on your staff told us, on the condition of anonymity, that they were brought in to scare away the wildfowl (see six geese et al, above). This would be laughable if it weren’t so sad. From a budgetary perspective, as well as for the peace and tranquility of your community, we are glad that this arrangement did not work out, and the drummers have all shuffled off to Buffalo to join the Cavaliers Drum & Bugle Corps. We are taking bets in the office as to which one of you will have the stupidest questions regarding our recommendations. Please be aware that we need a long vacation after all of this and will be out of the office until further notice. If you have an urgent matter, you may contact our junior partner, Barney Blitzen, at bblitzen@ddvcpa. com. We stuck him with this assignment because he is on our naughty list this year and was put on probation. If he’s as incompetent as we think he is, we’re sure you and he will get along fine. On behalf of all of us at DD&V, we wish you all the best of luck in the New Year. Goodness knows you’ll need it. Sincerely,
CP122016
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