84 THE QUEENS COURIER • COPING WITH DEATH • SEPTEMBER 5, 2013 FOR BREAKING NEWS VISIT www.queenscourier.com coping with death Helping children to deal with grief BY RANA HUBER We sympathize when we see someone experiencing grief caused by the death of a loved one, but there is something especially poignant about a child who grieves over the loss of a parent, grandparent, sibling, or even a beloved pet. When children experience the death of a loved one, they grieve just as adults do, but they may not be able to verbalize their sorrow. To compound this, many adults may not feel comfortable dealing with children’s s sadness, especially when grieving themselves. They don’t know how to start the conversation, they don’t know what to say, and, especially, they are fearful of saying the wrong things. So what can you do? There are many wonderful books that can help. For example, in Helping Children Grieve, Theresa Huntley includes some basic suggestions excerpted here that will help adults who want to console a grieving child: Be aware of personal feelings. When we are in touch with our own feelings (sadness, loss, regret), we will be better able to help bereaved children deal with theirs. Recognize that each child’s level of understanding is different. Provide the children with information and responses appropriate for their age level. Recognize that each child will grieve differently. Encourage questions. Encourage the expression of feelings. Let children know that it is okay to show their emotions. Encourage participation in events following the death. Tell the children about the events that will be taking place (i.e., wake, funeral, burial). Give the children permission to choose the extent of their participation. Help a child to commemorate the life of the deceased. Try to maintain a sense of normalcy. To restore some semblance of security, try to follow the children’s normal routine as closely as possible. Also, the popular television show Sesame Street has many wonderful resources to help connect with a child who is mourning. Visit their website for details: www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/ topics/grief. Children generally grieve in different ways than adults. As family and caregivers, we can recognize this and guide them with love through a diffi cult time. Ask your family funeral director for names of local bereavement counselors who can help. When the Funeral Is Over: The importance of aftercare The funeral is over, the fl owers are now beginning to wilt, and the sympathy cards and calls of support begin to ebb. We may even return to daily routines of work or school. Yet, the grief continues. In fact, grief researchers often point out that this is one of the more diffi cult times – the intensity of grief actually increases weeks after the death as the shock of the loss recedes, support wanes, and the very business that surrounds the death ends. Yet, we often face these days alone. This is the reason why aftercare is so critical. In the past two decades, compassionate funeral directors have begun to ask what can we do for our families after the funeral is over? How can we support them – not only at the time of the funeral but throughout the intense experience of grief? The answers have varied. Many funeral homes maintain an active library of pamphlets and books. These resources can have great value. They can “normalize” our grief by reminding us that the many reactions we have including the ways we feel (both emotionally and physically), the ways we think, believe and behave, are normal and natural responses to loss. These materials can offer us suggestions for coping. Most importantly, they can offer hope. Funeral homes also can offer consultation, information, referral or even sponsor support groups. Thomas M. Quinn & Sons Funeral Home has a licensed Mental Health Counselor serving as a consultant who can refer bereaved clients to appropriate resources within the community. It also offers informational seminars four times a year on such topics as dealing with the death of a spouse, signifi cant other, or parent, as well as coping with the holidays. Since holidays can be so diffi cult after a loss, many funeral homes may offer special holiday rituals. For example, prior to Christmas, Thomas M. Quinn & Sons has a special Holiday Tree Lighting. In this meaningful service, families either bring or create a personal ornament memorializing the person who died. These are placed on a tree that is then offi cially lighted after a brief ceremony. Many families return year after year to remember and to honor their deceased relatives in this way. The aftercare services of funeral homes are often echoed in other community resources such as support groups that are available in churches, synagogues, and other community organizations. All serve to assist bereaved persons long after the funeral is over.
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