54 The Queens Courier • coping with death • MARCH 6, 2014 for breaking news visit www.queenscourier.com coping with death s The final goodbye - thoughts on paying your last respects By Bonnie L. McCull ough I am always amazed when people tell me they don’t attend funerals. Their reasons are something like: “Oh! I don’t like to be around unhappy people,” “I never know what to say,” or “I’m just too busy.” These people ignore the fact that a funeral is not about “them” -- it is about a friend, relative or co-worker who has died and whose survivors would welcome a gentle display of compassion. A business associate once told me that she was gladdened by the appearance during visiting hours of a man who had worked with her husband early in his career. “It was wonderful to hear that someone from my husband’s past remembered him fondly and made a special trip to tell me so.” A condolence visit is important to reassure the bereaved that while their loved one is gone, they are not alone and that others are thinking of them. Upon your arrival go to the family and offer a simple statement of condolence. If you are not well known to the family, when introducing yourself, be sure to mention if you were a business associate or an acquaintance of the deceased. You need not stay long; 15 minutes can give you enough time to express your sympathy and ask what you can do to help. Be sure to sign the guest register and indicate your connection to the deceased if the family doesn’t know you well. Don’t worry about what to say. A simple “I’m so sorry” is usually sufficient. Try not to say “I know how you feel.” Everyone reacts to the death of a loved one in a different way and you couldn’t possibly know how they feel. Quiet conversation with other mourners is permissible, but direct questions about details of the death are to be avoided. If the family wants to talk about the cause of death, then listen attentively. Don’t offer advice unless you are asked. Don’t make comments such as “You’re young, you’ll marry again” or “You can have another child.” Referring to the deceased’s obituary in the newspaper will give you details about the location and time of visitation hours and any religious or fraternal ceremonies that have been scheduled. Obituaries will also indicate if the family prefers that a memorial donation in the name of the deceased be made to a favorite charity rather than sending flowers. Conservative clothing is appropriate, but black is not necessary. And, yes, children can attend if they are old enough to understand the concept of death. We all have busy lives and many commitments. But taking a few moments of our time to provide comfort to the bereaved will give us enormous satisfaction and a feeling of well-being for ourselves and those we comfort. Bonnie L. McCullough serves as Executive Director of the New York State Funeral Directors Association, Inc., an organization representing more than 900 funeral homes. If you have a question about funeral service or would like a list of NYSFDA member funeral directors in your area, visit www.nysfda.org or call 800-291-2629. Do You Require Assistance With Your Aging Relative? Do You Find It Difficult To Navigate The Health Care System For Your Loved One???? Alternative Solutions Geriatric Care Management Services Can Be Your Solution!!!!! Highly qualified staff will assist you with the following: • Obtaining Medicaid and assisting with Medicaid planning including Pooled Income Trust • Securing reliable home care assistance • Accessing all available services including: Access-A-Ride, Medicaid home care, government resources, housing, etc. • Provision of individual and family counseling • Convenient in-home assessments / consultations • Advocacy to obtain appropriate services for your loved one • Living Wills and Health Care Proxies Affordable Fees And Caring Staff!!!! FREE INITIAL PHONE CONSULTATION Dr. S. Sasson, DSW, LCSW (718) 544-0870 www.alternativesolutionsny.com email: sassonsassy@gmail.com Serenity for all. Proudly Proudly Serving Serving the Community with with Over Over 30 27 years years of Personal Service Family Family Owned & Operated Understanding Understanding When You You Need Need It It Most Most Greaves Greaves - Hawkins Memorial Funeral Inc. Memorial Funeral Services, Inc. 11608 Merrick Merrick Boulevard Boulevard Jamaica, NY 11434-0158 Jamaica, NY 11434-0158 718-712-1900 Fax 718-481-6524 718-712-1900 Fax 718-481-6524 Hawkins.greaves@verizon.net www.greavesmemorialfuneralservices.com
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