LIFE AS MAXINE
SEES IT.
Seniors universally kvetch
about the same things…
“Getting older has its
advantages. Too bad I don’t remember
what they are.”
“This hurts today, but it didn’t
yesterday!”
“When did my hair turn so gray…
on my chin?”
“Why do you whisper? Talk
louder. I can’t hear you…”
Last week while I was fulfilling
one of my social events—an
appointment in the doctor’s
office—I looked around and came
to the conclusion everyone there
was about my age. What is this? Do
we all belong to a secret society and
meet in doctors’ offices?
It looked to me everyone was
wearing stripes on their arms.
Were they prisoners? Yup, trapped
in their bodies. Wrinkled just like
the rest of us? However, on closer
inspection, where before I thought
they might be wrinkles, they were
none other than band-aids. But
so many? One was from a doctor
for this test, another from a doctor
for a different test and maybe one
more from somewhere else. Years
ago, stripes on the arm of a uniform
meant three or four years of service.
In this case, I think these stripes
might stand for hours of waiting in
the doctor’s office. Kids get lollipops.
We get stripes! Honestly, why
can’t band-aids be more attractive?
I’d like sequins or rhinestones on
mine. How about camouflage and
denim for men? If you have to wear
them, you might as well enhance
them. On gauze pads, why not a
miniature Renoir or Degas?
With all of these doctors merging
with medical conglomerates, I think
medicine has become impersonal.
What happened to the days when
the doctor came to your house?
My friend had to invite her child’s
pediatrician to her daughter’s Bat
Mitvah just to get him to look at
her! Fortunately, I have great doctors,
but “Even the best ones makes
mistakes.” Mine once asked me to
undress. Oy vey! I think he’s still
traumatized over that.
I realize I have slowed down a
lot, and I try to be more organized
and have things more readily accessible.
To do this, I find it helps to
organize chores into categories:
“Things I won’t do now;” “Things
I won’t do later;” “Things I’ll never
do.” Trust me, it really helps! I like
the last category best, but just in
case I get ambitious, I have decided
to put together a Medical Survival
Kit for seniors. You might ask what
does a senior need? My answer is
everything. I’ve decided to list only
the bare necessities…2
1.Mad money: Lots of it for
when you got upset over something
insignificant. It can be soothing.
It’s better than any balm I know of.
2.The name of your favorite
restaurant: “My doctor says I need
to cut back on coffee, booze and
junk food. I’m gonna miss that guy.”
3.Imodium: In case you don’t
listen to the doctor.
4.Nearest hospital: I guess in
case you really, really don’t cut back
on coffee, booze and junk food.
5.Hearing aid batteries: Carry
them if you want to hear what the
doctor’s are telling you while you’re
in the hospital.
6.Plane tickets to an exotic
island: (Not Coney or Staten)
7. Flashlight: To find the bathroom
or your teeth in the middle
of the night.
8.Decaf coffee: Because you
don’t want to stay up all night.
9. Viagra: In case you want to
stay up all night. “The last guy
that kept me up all night was Mr.
Coffee.”
10.For external wounds: wound
cleanser
11.For internal wounds: Jack
Daniels whiskey
12.Tampon: For a nosebleed…
Really? One in each nose with
those strings hanging down might
be a little premature for Halloween.
13. Condoms: They’re recommended
to be used as a tourniquet
just in case you happen to need one
and all else fails. It can also be filled
with water to squirt on an injury to
cleanse it. Why else do you think
I’d recommend them?
14.Credit card: Use it to brush
away the stinger of a bee and when
done use the card to shop with. It’ll
put you in a better mood, because
you’re helping the economy.
“Question: If you can’t remember
buying some of the stuff on your
credit card bill, do you still have
to pay for it?”
And finally…
15.Pack lemons: so you can
make lemonade. Then find someone
with some vodka and then you
can have a party.
Remember you are not alone in
this journey of life and “If you’re
happy and you know it, thank your
meds.”
1My favorite cartoon character
2Some of the quotes are purely
Maxine’s glorious interpretations
of how she sees life.
Shakespeare on Madison Avenue “We know what we are, but
BY VICKI MAZEL
“Oh, that this too, too solid flesh
would melt”
—Weight Watchers
“O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore
art thou Romeo?”
—Cohen Opticals
“Love is a smoke made with the
fume of sighs.”
—Marlboro Lights
“Out, damn spot!”
—Shout Stain Remover
“Ay, there’s the rub!”
—Ben Gay
“Stars, hide your fires; Let
not light see my black and deep
desires.”
—Viagra Gel Caps
“Better three hours too soon
than a minute too late.”
—Citizen Watches
“To sleep, perchance to
dream…”
—Sominex
“The Prince of Darkness is a
gentleman.”
—Lightolier Fixtures
“God has given you one face,
and you make yourself another.”
—Clinique Cosmetics
know not what we might be.”
—U.S . Marines Recruitment
Poster
“Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.”
—The French Chef
“For my part is was Greek
to me.”
—Better Feta Cheese
“Neither a borrower nor a lender
be.”
—Capital One Bank
“The play’s the thing wherein I’ll
catch the conscience of the king.”
—Ticketron
“TV or not TV.”
—Spectrum
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20 NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER ¢ December 2018