C R Y D E R P O I N T NOVEMBER 15 Ode to Thanksgiving (Because We All Need Humor to Survive the Holidays) By Jill Davis I figure you’re all set with your Aunt Tillie’s Roast Turkey and your Uncle Buck’s Green Bean Casserole, so I am going to dispense with including recipes in this Thanksgiving issue since I know you’ll never try any of them anyway. Hey, I’m a realist. But I do want to offer something useful for Thanksgiving, and when I was thinking about Aunt Tillie and Uncle Buck, it occurred to me that some of you may be spending the holiday with people (aka relatives) that you don’t see very often. Conversations can become dull, and there can be many awkward silences when you find yourself trying to chat with your sister-inlaw’s brother’s wife’s niece whom you haven’t since Grandma Gabby’s funeral five years ago. Or worse, crazy Cousin Clara might try to perk things up with a lively discussion about politics or religion or, worse yet, bluntly offer the unsolicited opinion that Grandma Gabby’s stuffing was way better than yours will ever be. As we all know, such highly charged issues have sabotaged many familial relationships and should remain off the table--especially the Thanksgiving table. Such discourse can lead to some crazy antics and become legendary for years to come: a The day after Thanksgiving, a video appears on YouTube of Aunt Tillie hurling gobs of scalding hot mashed potatoes directly at Uncle Buck’s face with the uncanny precision of Matt Harvey before his injuries. The incident is set to a karaoke version of Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody,” which you learn later was recorded and sung by their 13 year old son, Norman, who was hiding behind the fake ficus tree in the corner. The video went viral, Norman became an internet sensation, and he was subsequently announced as the opening act for Justin Bieber’s next world tour. b Cousin Clara got angry and you still don’t know why, although everyone knows that she gets mighty feisty after a couple of scotches. She suddenly slapped her napkin on the table and out of the blue announced indignantly, “I’m outta here!” She stormed out in a huff, vowing never to speak to anyone in this expletive deleted family ever again. This wouldn’t be unusual, except that she returned sheepishly when she realized that she left her car keys on the kitchen counter which, unfortunately, had been tossed out with the rejected leftover stuffing. A call to the emergency locksmith cost 500 bucks, and Clara is now going to Judge Judy to file for damages and the residual hangover that ensued. c You find yourself standing at the head of the table, screaming at the whole ungrateful bunch that they better stop this nonsense this minute because you slaved for three days to create this meal and, by the way, you didn’t exactly see anybody helping you in the kitchen--thank you very much- -so they all just better quit complaining and be thankful, dammit, or they might as well leave right now and start planning their own Thanksgiving for next year and no, you will not be attending! In the background you hear Uncle Buck mutter, “Well, there’s something to be thankful for,” and so you place a call to your attorney on Monday morning to have your will changed. (Not like anything like that has ever happened to me.) I thought well, what better way to break the tension at the table than with a little humor? So, as a public service, I have painstakingly scoured the internet to find some classic quips for your and your guests’ amusement. Keep them in your apron pocket, just in case. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! The Family “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” ~ Johnny Carson “After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” ~ Oscar Wilde “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, “How long has Mom been drinking like this? My mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’” ~ David Letterman “For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” ~ Andy Borowitz 15 cryder point courier | NOVEMBER 2016 | WWW.QUEENSCOURIER.COM The Food “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” ~ Erma Bombeck “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” ~ Kevin James “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” ~ Jim Davis “Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” ~ Rita Rudner “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” ~ Jay Leno “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” ~ Phyllis Diller “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” ~ Robert Orben “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” ~ Irv Kupcinet
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