50 LONGISLANDPRESS.COM • NOVEMBER 2019
FAMILY & EDUCATION
AVOIDING FAMILY DRAMA
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
BE REALISTIC
Despite movies and commercials,
families are not perfect.
“Be realistic about who your family
is and what they are capable of,” says
Gwen Uss, a life coach and founder of
Hopeful Heart Solutions in Commack.
Many families are dealing, or not
dealing, with strained relationships,
past hurts, and loss, making family
time interesting to say the least.
“Having realistic expectations of
yourself and your family will help
set the bar where it needs to be and
can minimize disappointments,” says
Uss. “When you see your family for
who they are and not what you wish
they were, you can accept them in a
way that may even shed some light on
their good qualities.”
HAVE A STRATEGY
Bring your own car.
If you know from past experience
that things may take a turn for the
worse at some point during the day,
(perhaps when the alcohol has been
flowing a while), having your own car
is key just in case you need to extricate
yourself, says Uss. Also, resist
the urge to feel as though you have
to stay the whole time.
She says, “Give yourself permission
to leave early if need be.”
ENGAGE EVERYONE
Get some friendly games going.
“It can be difficult for families to be together
with unstructured time,” says
Rachel Perlstein, a psychotherapist
with InFlow Wellness in Manhattan.
“If it's hard for your family to get together
without getting into it when
left to their own devices, plan some
activities that involve being on the
same team and working together,”
she continues. “This can foster cooperation,
team building, and provide
an opportunity for people to get a bit
silly and out of their comfort zones.
If your family isn't into games, get
everyone to participate in cooking
and give/assign jobs.”
DELAY PAST DISPUTES
If there’s an existing family beef,
though you all may be in the same
room together, some experts don’t
advise settling it during festivities.
“The holidays are fraught with expectations,”
says Mark Borg, Ph.D., a
psychologist in Manhattan.
“There is no reason to more heavily
burden them with the resolution of
some previous family conflict,” he
continues. “In fact, I would see that
as a setup and more indicative of
someone's mixed feelings about actually
resolving the existing conflict.
The best way to address the existing
conflict (and avoid putting it into the
category of elephant in the room)
is to acknowledge it and, if you are
willing, suggest a moratorium on
dealing with it and set up a time — a
time unburdened by holiday stress
— to do so.”
LIMIT ALCOHOL
While you don’t want to come off as
cheap if you’re hosting, you also don’t
want to fuel a family feud.
Limit alcohol availability. If you’re
a guest, decide that this is not the
time you are going to drink yourself
silly.
“If your family is often argumentative
or easily agitated, less alcohol may be
better,” says Perlstein. “Although it
seems counterintuitive, people may
get along better if they are more in
control of what they say and how they
interact with others.”
UP THE POSITIVE
Get off on a good foot.
“Start the meal by asking each person
to share something they are grateful
for or appreciate about another person
in the room,” says Perlstein. “This
gratitude exercise can be done aloud
or just silently. This helps build cohesion
as well as creates an atmosphere
of positivity.”
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