FOR BREAKING NEWS VISIT WWW.QNS.COM MAY 27, 2021 • SENIOR LIVING • THE QUEENS COURIER 35 senior living
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Grief,
bereavement
and aging
Dying, which announces the fi nality of
life, can be an experience and an acknowledgment
of that loss by the family.
Grief, however, is thought to proceed
in stages associated with those who are
or who have experienced the loss of a
loved one.
As with the dying, however, grieving
does not always progress evenly or with
certainty. Much of the theory and process
of “grief resolution” has been accepted
without suffi cient questioning. Th e
researcher Horacek presents evidence,
“Th e mourning period is much more
complicated than we know and where
‘high grief ’ and death occurs with a grieving
individual may adapt, adjust and
function well as the grieving period that
continues with an infi nite variety of presentations.”
Th erefore, what is it that is
actually helpful to the individual who is
grieving the loss of a love one? Rigdon &
Associates interviewed numerous elderly
widows to determine the things that they
found helpful in coping with their grief
and that they were able to advise other
widows to consider.
Here are several suggested coping skills:
• Give aid to someone else who has also
had a recent loss
• Keep busy, accept social invitations
• Learn to appreciate an occasional solitary
activity
• Have faith in an eventual recovery and
hold to that conviction
• Take one day at a time. However, don’t
expect an immediate time table for
recovery.
Help will always be much needed and
rather than ask what one can do for someone
who may be suff ering a loss, it is suggested
that we accompany the bereaved
in new activities or new situations and by
these actions, slowly invite them toward
building a new life.
Social scientists have sought information
from newly bereaved persons to
determine what actions were most helpful
during the grieving period and aft er.
Th e following actions can also assist
nurses who are working with a grieving
resident in gaining a clear perspective for
comforting those who are experiencing
an emotional and/or physical loss.
• “Embrace me when I begin to cry.”
• “Off er me my favorite comfort foods
and share them with me.”
• “Hold my hand when I reach out.”
• “Keep me apprised of how funeral preparations
for the deceased are progressing,
such as place, day and time.”
• “Arrange a visit with appropriate clergy
when I request spiritual comfort.”
While it is yet to be determined what
the impact of these “crisis actions” can
accomplish, it is clear that the approach
stands out as helpful to the individual’s
immediate grief. Th e lesson that can be
learned is to accept whatever the individual
is experiencing and exert caution for
not trivializing the loss with such sayings
as, “I know it’s a terrible loss but you’ll get
over it with time.” Following are several
suggestions for assessing the mourner’s
progress. Th e person
• is showing signs of functioning with
reasonable clarity and control;
• is able to take full responsibility for their
self-care needs;
• has made verbal contact with signifi cant
others for personal comfort;
• has expressed questions as to whether
the deceased suff ered very much.
Nurses in particular can be most helpful
for validating these specifi c questions that
the mourner seeks. An important point is
to never force one who is grieving, whether
it be a resident of a facility or community
dweller, to “get over it,” “move on,” or
“unfortunately that’s life.”
Outliving those who have passed on
can create an emptiness that may never be
fully assuaged.
Th ere are, however, other ways of off ering
comfort to the mourner. Help the
mourner put into words or even nonverbal
expressions what they are feeling.
In time, there will be a growing recognition
when the immediate pain and loss
will ease.
On the fl ip side, I off er a pithy saying
from a comedian who had once expressed
how we as humans can understand our
earthly existence that we hold dear. In a
tongue and cheek comment, he joked,
“Don’t take life so seriously, it’s not permanent.”
Although he was attempting to
elicit a healthy belly laugh from his TV
audience, he was actually correct. Th e
loss of a loved one is universally expected.
However it is the memories that are
left behind. Memories that will last forever.
Memories that will be conveyed to
children and family, eager to hear and
learn about their beloved’s life story. Also,
memories that are spoken of at shared
joyful events and at yearly holiday gatherings
where Grandma’s “special dishes” are
being enjoyed, and yes, how memories are
being made.
Remember – when Uncle Joe gave us
the funds necessary for a down payment
on our house. We’ll never forget his loving
act and generosity.
Remember – when Dad tirelessly
worked at several jobs that enabled me to
enter a great college. He will forever be in
my memory.
Remember dear Aunt Joanie with her
perpetual silly jokes, but who also got me
through an unhappy period in my childhood
when I lost Scrappy, my pet pup. I
can still sense the comforting hugs she
gave me as I cried and her promise that we
would get another pet dog. Now, whenever
I pet Scrappy II, I still remember the
warm act of Aunt Joanie and her cherished
memory and kindness.
“Th ough we can no longer see them,
they are always in our thoughts and see
them each and every day in our memories”
(Rabbi Maurice Lamm).
Sheldon Ornstein Ed.D, RN, LNHA
Dr. Sheldon
Ornstein is a
registered professional
nurse
with a doctoral
degree in
nursing organization.
He
has specialized
in the care of
older adults
and has published
many articles on the subject. He
has done post-graduate work in gerontology
and has taught at several universities.
In 2013, he was inducted into
the Nursing Hall of Fame at Teachers
College, Columbia University.
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