16 JUNE 21, 2018 RIDGEWOOD TIMES WWW.QNS.COM
'Measure twice and cut once' with couples counseling
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BY CHRISTOPHER CROWN
It can be easy to lose track of the
fi ner relationship details in the
hustle and bustle of wedding planning
and house hunting. However
paradoxical it may seem, before you
tie the knot, it can help to go to couples
counseling. Though many couples
entranced in the honeymoon phase
brush off the concept of pre-wedding
counseling, it can be an amazing tool
for building stability in your relationship
and exposing potential problems
that would be easier to prevent than
repair. Although it might not have
the most romantic prenuptial fl air or
be the easiest on new couples' wallets,
pre-wedding counseling can pay off in
the long run.
Contributors from The Knot -- a
resource, both in print and online,
for planning healthy, cost-eff ective
and long-lasting weddings and marriages
-- state that the ability to discuss
expectations is the main benefi t from
pre-wedding counseling. Whether
couples dive headfirst into a marriage
without discussing what their
views on married life are or there are
unspoken issues and miscommunications
that have been present in the relationship
thus far, it is easier to bring
these to the table before the whirlwind
of marriage than aft erward. The Knot
notes that aft er the wedding, there is
an expectation that everything should
be perfect for a while, and this mirage
can make it hard to start dialogues on
early problems. Solving these later,
aft er years of unfulfi lled expectations,
can lead to a lot of struggle and much
more time spent in counseling later.
Pre-wedding counseling provides a
third-party view on the relationship
and illuminates aspects of the relationship
that could lead to stability
or strife. Greg Smalley, a marriage
counselor from Focus on the Family,
an online database and outreach program
for building healthy marriages,
states that pre-wedding counseling
can give valuable insight into whether
the person you're dating is truly the
right one to marry. In the excitement
of getting more serious, some people
overlook key relationship weaknesses.
Having an unbiased person you
didn't previously know analyze
the eff ectiveness of your plans and
communication can be invaluable.
Additionally, when it comes to subjects
that oft en get heated (children,
parents, intimacy, fi nances), it can be
very helpful to have a bystander to
help mediate conversation and keep
everyone focused on solving the issues,
not on winning arguments, say
contributors for GoodTherapy.org, a
web-based project that helps people
fi nd the right therapist for them.
Studies show that beyond making
the transition to married life easier,
pre-wedding counseling helps couples
stay together because they are able to
lay important relationship groundwork.
In a study published in 2006,
University of Denver psychologist Scott
Stanley found that among the people
he surveyed, premarital counseling
reduced the likelihood of divorce by
31 percent. Additionally, The Gottman
Institute, a couples therapy clinic founded
by therapists John and Julie Gottman,
found that in the absence of pre-wedding
counseling, couples waited an average
of six years before seeking counseling
about existing issues. Overall, it can be
better to invest in the habit of counseling
before issues even arise.
Although there are innumerable
benefi ts of pre-wedding counseling,
there are some challenges to this practice.
Contributors for the Mayo Clinic's
online database emphasize that couples
can expect to discuss challenging
aspects of the relationship during
counseling. Whether it be potential
areas of weakness that are easier to
gloss over, past failed relationships
or even childhood traumas that could
infl uence married life, a tough topic
can lead to some anxiety or discomfort
in the short term. And not all couples
can aff ord pre-wedding counseling.
Certifi ed couples therapists can be
very pricey, and the additional resources,
including books and videos,
could stretch the budgets of some new
couples. GoodTherapy.org advises
couples for whom price could be a
limiting factor to search local listings
for discount therapy services or work
through a place of worship.
It may not seem like the most instinctual
step to slow down the fervor
of a future marriage to focus on the
trickier parts, but it can prove crucial
to build the ark before the rain.
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