for breaking news visit www.queenscourier.com NOVEMBER 6, 2014 • buzz • The QUEE NS CourieR 53 While on a date - don’t interrogate (In this article, the example is from the perspective of a woman on a date with a guy) Singles of all ages, and men in particular, tell us that when they are on a first date, it feels more like they are being interrogated on the witness stand. What it is about our culture that has prompted this question model of starting conversations, I’m not sure, but Richard and I propose a different model: while on a date, don’t interrogate. Are these questions familiar conversation starters for you? Where are you from? What do you do? Where did you go to school? Perhaps you haven’t considered that these questions are actually intrusive. In other cultures, they are even considered insulting. These are questions about class. “Where are you from?” is designed to tell you about someone’s background and circumstances. “What do you do?” tells you about how much money you think he or she makes. And “Where did you go to school?” is supposed to tell you if he is smart enough for you and well educated. The truth is that the answers to these questions are just information you can find on someone’s CV. They don’t tell you anything about who this person really is inside. What does your date care about? What is he passionate about? And how about when you know someone is divorced, do you ask some of these questions: How long have you been divorced? How many times have you been married? Where does your ex live? Do you have children? How many? What are their names? How often do you see your children? And if your date has never been married, do you ask him why he has never been married? And if your date is a widower do you ask questions like: When did your spouse die? How did she die? When did you start dating again? What made you decide to start dating again? As matchmakers and dating coaches, we have thought a lot about this model of asking questions to get to know people. We believe that the inherent problem with asking these kinds of questions is that it shifts the responsibility of the agenda from you to the other person. The conversation is based on YOUR needs, but the other person has to do all the work. It’s not a dialogue; it’s a one-way conversation focused on what YOU want to talk about, what YOU want to know — and you don’t even have to do the talking. For example, on a first date, if you ask someone if he likes living in Manhattan, or how long he has lived in the city, you may think you sound interested in him and where he lives and you love New York. The actual situation may be that your date had to move to Manhattan for his job and he felt he had to be closer to his aging parent. The truth is he wishes he didn’t live in New York City, and can’t wait to move back to San Diego. But since you don’t know each other very well, and he doesn’t want to put a damper on your question by responding negatively, and also doesn’t feel ready to share the real reasons why he moved, he simply responds with something like, “Yes. New York is a fun city with lots of interesting people and places to go.” BORING! Unfortunately, you laid the groundwork for a conversation you’d like to have by asking your date to talk about what’s on YOUR mind, not on his mind. And the result is usually an empty and dull conversation. A conversation about “what,” namely New York, not about “who” your date is, and what’s on his mind. So instead of asking questions, we suggest making declarative statements about how you feel. Instead of starting a conversation on a date with a question, try this: “This is one of my favorite restaurants because (a great word to use when you are talking to someone and sharing an opinion or a comment) the waiters are nice, the menu is unique and the view is beautiful looking out at the Brooklyn Bridge.” When you share these kinds of thoughts and feelings, you give your date an opportunity to chime in with how he feels about the restaurant, the food, the view, the proximity of the restaurant to his home… you might end up talking about favorite foods from different countries you have both visited. He can decide the direction of the conversation based on how he feels about what you’ve shared with him. Questions will naturally evolve from a mutually uncovered topic rather than a pointed question. Using statements about yourself and how you feel, sharing a passion, sharing a feature of your personality or your spiritual life are all wonderful ways to engage with first dates. It doesn’t matter what you choose to share; your passion may be yoga, tennis, reading spy novels, chamber music concerts, the Yankees, or more. Your job is to listen to how your date responds and acknowledges what you say. These are always the best conversations. They are conversations that keep you in the moment. The key to a good date, a good interview, and a good marriage is to be in the moment. Think of jazz music, the quintessential improvisational art form. Each short musical phrase is a statement that invites a fellow musician to respond in the moment. Getting caught up with your date’s history and filling in all the blanks of his CV will not give you what you need to be in the moment and to find out about who he is as a person. We propose that creating relationships and maintaining mutually loving and respectful relationships is not about what you’ve done in your life, nor about what you do, but about who you are. Tonight, with a friend, or with someone in your family, or if you’re on a date, try saying, “I had a terrific day today meeting new people at the exhibit I saw at the museum (or wherever you were today).” We promise that the questions and conversation that follow your statement will make for interesting conversation and dialogue: real conversation — which both people are enjoying. And if it’s your first date, and a smart guy, the odds are he will ask you out again! s dating
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