12 The QUEE NS Courier • MARCH 13, 2014 for breaking news visit www.queenscourier.com ▶ GIRLS WORLD EXPO • SUNDAY, MARCH 16 Parents: Believe it or not, your teen needs you! Many adults get anxious talking to their children about sensitive or embarrassing topics. Parents often say too little while worrying they’re saying too much. They “jump to conclusions” instead of responding to questions; or, they give more than kids ask for or reply with nonage appropriate responses. Most adults did not have role models of comfortable parents, coaches or teachers about these issues, which could include anything from body image and eating disorders to sexuality and pornography. While the climate of parent/teen relationships is starting to change, according to Elizabeth Casparian, Ph.D. and executive director of HiTOPS Adolescent Health and Education Center in Princeton, N.J., there is still much work to be done educating adults on how to effectively communicate with growing children and teens. There is an antiquated belief that talking with your child about an issue or behavior will cause your child to explore or participate in that issue or behavior, she says. “Parents were reluctant to bring these issues up unless the child came to them, which was and still is very rare.” Casparian specializes in helping parents as they struggle to talk with young people about sensitive subjects. There are several reasons for this struggle, ac- cording to Casparian. For one, parents tend to get uncomfortable when tackling these sensitive is- sues—and children pick up on their parents’ un- easiness. “Their parents’ discomfort makes them uncomfortable,” Casparian adds—and an uncomfortable teen is one that is not likely to approach the source of that discomfort for more advice. Instead, they’ll turn to peers, or worse—the internet. A brand new obstacle to parenting “Very few parents had that experience (of the internet) when they were younger,” Casparian says. As such, parents today need “a different set of skills” than in previous generations. While some behaviors in the pre- and post-internet world might be similar, such as looking at pornography, the solution is no longer as easy as throwing away a magazine. Starting the conversation While opening a line of communication with a child is best done at an early age, Casparian says, “it’s never too late to start these conver- sations” as long as parents keep a few things in mind. Use “teachable moments” to make awkward moments less un- comfortable. Ask your teen about their feelings toward lyrics of a song playing on the car radio or an event on a television show or the news. Even seeing a couple kissing in public can be used to bring up a conver- sation about a teen’s feelings. Don’t wait for a problem. If you’re having a hard time bringing up a subject, play the “what-if game.” “What would you do if you were at a party and someone offered you a drink?” “What if you had a partner who wanted you to do something sexual and you were not ready?” Letting kids think and talk about how they would handle situations is helpful and empowering. A parent can let their teen know they are glad they have a strategy for the situation and comment on their answer. Open the door. Sometimes, a child isn’t going to want to share. If a parent keeps an open-door policy, their teen will be more likely to come back to them in their own time. “Give your kids permission to say, ‘I need some space.’” Look for indicators. While it is especially important to listen when your teen is feeling open, animated and communicative, it is equally important when they seem withdrawn, fidgety or tense. Help an uncomfortable teen feel less embarrassed by letting them know you are speaking to them from a place of deep caring, concern and love. Even if your child says very little, they are still listening and hearing. Promise not to share confidential information. Teens should have the opportunity to make decisions on their own. “Parents need to be willing to sometimes let their children stumble a little bit,” though this rule changes if a child is suffering from anxiety or depression. Most importantly, a parent needs to put the effort in to get to know their child. Being aware of a teen’s comfort levels, interest and tolerances will make these tricky conversations easier from the beginning. While a teen can be influenced by peers, teachers and religious leaders, “parents can play such a significant role” in how their kids act and interact—they just need to take the time to start the conversation.
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