identify and experience the emotions of others.
People with narcissistic traits are usually
impaired in their ability to feel empathy: their
own needs tend to come first...
There are various ways to express empathy:
1. Empathy requires a deliberate attempt
to confirm the legitimacy of another’s thoughts
and feelings. Objective, irrefutable points of
view are rare. In any close relationships, diverse
perspectives are likely to emerge. Insisting that
one’s point of view is the only valid one is going
to make the other feel misunderstood. Again,
confirming the legitimacy of another person’s
point of view does not necessarily mean agreeing
with him or her. Also, empathy does not mean
offering unsolicited advice, saying what you
would have done, or solving another person’s
problem. Empathy entails an attempt not to
evaluate, judge, or disapprove of the other person’s
point of view. Beware of sentences starting
with “you should...”
2. Active listening that comes from
a place of concern is critically important.
Engaging in effective empathic communication
requires full attention and emotional presence:
listening to what is being said, rather than preparing
to respond while the other person is still
talking.
3. Empathic understanding comes next:
an attempt to understand what is going on in
another person’s mind, envisioning the experience
as if it was your own.
4. Some form of action follows: communicating
your understanding, validating the
other person’s concern, helping him/her know
that you accept them where they are, finding
out what you can do to help.
Although developing empathy is a gradual
process, children are capable of displaying
empathy from a very young age. Children are
often adept at understanding how other people
feel and at exhibiting emotional responses that
correspond to another person’s (or animal’s)
emotional state. Expressions of empathy are
common in children’s literature. I like the
following Shel Silverstein example:
“Thanksgiving dinner’s sad and thankless.
Christmas dinner’s dark and blue.
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey’s point of view.”
Can one feel too much empathy?
As the pandemic has been stretching on, many
people, especially caregivers surrounded by
suffering people, found themselves struggling
with compassion fatigue or empathy overload.
They have become so over-empathic that, as
one physician told me:
“I feel my patients’ pain so deeply. Even the
air I breathe is soaked with pain.”
This type of deep empathy is described as
following by Dr. Brené Brown:
”Empathy is getting down in that deep dark
hole with someone and saying, ‘you’re not
alone’.”
Being an empath is not easy at the best of
times. It is particularly difficult when the whole
world is in crisis, and so many are in that deep
dark hole...
On the other end of the empathy continuum
we find Empathic failures. Empathic failure
is defined by the American Psychological
Association Dictionary as ”A lack of understanding
of another person’s feelings, perceptions,
and thoughts.” Empathic failure occurs
when we judge, minimize, or disconfirm the
feelings of another. It occurs when we try to
talk others out of whatever they are feeling,
make light of their experience, tell them they
are overreacting, or dismiss them by stating they
should get over “it” (instead of acknowledging
their pain). Statements such as “It’s not
that bad,” or “No reason to be upset” may be
construed as disparaging responses. Empathic
failure prompts the person on the receiving end
to shut down – withdraw from the interaction
and feel misunderstood
When people are aching and share their fears,
for example, their corona-related worries, and
you say: “I am sure you are going to be fine,”
or “Don’t exaggerate,” or “There is nothing to
worry about” – you may feel that you are offering
My poetic version on the impact of deep
listening:
ECHO
I love the way you listen
when I speak –
your ears like nets
capturing my words.
I love the way you hold
my sentences closely,
keeping them safe
as you feel their pulse.
I love the way you respond –
your voice nurturing me,
as morning dew nurtures
a blossom on a summer day.
And I love the way my words
bounce back: familiar yet different,
reflecting my voice
as clearly as an echo.
– Nurit Israeli
comfort, but you are actually discrediting their
feelings. Anxiety does not miraculously disappear
if we instruct someone not to worry. We
all know that...
Dismissive positivity is a form of empathic
failure. If people share their distress and you
say: “Stop the negativity, try to be positive” –
you hope that your cheerful attitude may help.
However, in reality, you are leaving no room for
them to share their vulnerabilities, which they
may need to do before being able to see a light
at the end of a dark tunnel. Dismissive positivity
may make the other person feel unheard and
unsupported, assuming that you are minimizing
their problem.
Deep listening and empathic understanding
are gifts we can give each other. As Roger Ebert,
said: “I believe empathy is the most essential
quality of civilization.”
Henry David Thoreau expressed the same
idea poetically, in the form of a rhetorical question:
“Could a greater miracle take place than
for us to look through each other’s eyes for
an instant?”
July 2021 ¢ NORTH SHORE TOWERS COURIER 23