P E R S P E C T I V E : S n i d e L i n e s
Mexicans Invade US;
Trump Denied a Toothbrush
BY SUSIE DAY
WASHINGTON — In a daring predawn
raid this morning, 135 million
Mexicans and Central Americans
stormed over the border
at El Paso, roared up Interstate 10, and broke
into the White House. There, they tore President
Donald J. Trump from the arms of his daughter,
Ivanka, then carried him off to a makeshift
detention facility alongside the Refl ecting Pool at
the Washington, DC, National Mall.
The president did not go quietly. “I told you liberal
losers that these beano-people were invading,”
Mr. Trump was heard to scream as he was
held down during a body cavity search. “Maybe
now you’ll listen. No way this is happening to a
great looking, extremely stable genius!”
Subcomandante Jorge, leader of the 135 million
interlopers, acknowledged, via Twitter, that
this is indeed an invasion of the United States
of America. “But what is wrong with invasions?”
tweeted the Subcomandante. “After all, you
Americanxs of el Norte owe the existence of your
country to several of them.”
The subcomandante then tweeted a disarming
photo of himself, puffi ng on a cigar and wearing
a red “Make the Americas Indigenous Again”
beret, tilted rakishly to one side. An hour later,
in an interview on “The Today Show,” the subcomandante
explained, “Over the centuries, we
have seen that the best way to survive is to learn
from you, our conquerors. You invade, enslave,
SUSIE DAY
Deposed US President Donald Trump, in a detention facility on the
National Mall, is curiously distracted by the “shiny coolness” of his
Mylar “space blanket.”
exterminate, and then you say you have created
a democracy. Very well. This is our turn.”
Gazing masterfully into the eyes of smitten
“Today” host Savannah Guthrie, Subcomandante
Jorge claimed the entire United States of
America and all who dwell here for Quetzalcapitl,
Mesoamerican god of settler colonialism and
impulse buying. Personifying the true meaning
of “presidential,” the subcomandante, then
ordered his troops to round up all members of
the Trump administration, separate them from
their children, and take them to camps for delousing.
Early reports say that most of these camps
are actually former ICE detention centers, now
emptied of the 54,000 migrants who had languished
there for months, awaiting deportation.
These migrants are now reuniting with loved
ones and fi nding jobs and homes here in what
was once the United States.
Meanwhile, back at the modern, governmentapproved
detention centers, Trump legislators,
jurists, lobbyists, and cabinet members will wait
an indeterminate amount of time inside freezing
compounds, under the constant glow of fl uorescent
lights, given rancid food and fouled water,
until the arrival of their individual court dates.
If a court refuses an applicant asylum, he or she
will likely be shipped out of the country to work
at Nike factories in Central America. The two or
three detainees lucky enough to remain here
will be sent to work at Amazon warehouses.
Although reporters have not been allowed inside
these detention facilities, word has leaked
out that Trump administration offi cials — reportedly
including the president — are not being
given soap, toothbrushes, or baths. Anonymous
sources say that these conditions are deeply upsetting
to Senator Mitch McConnell and Justice
Brett Kavanaugh, but are being tolerated by the
president himself, who is currently distracted
by the “shiny coolness” of his Mylar “space blanket.”
Questioned as to the irregularity of these proceedings,
former special counsel Robert Mueller
took some time before answering, “You know,
these goings-on probably breach about 5,000
domestic and foreign laws.”
Mr. Mueller paused for approximately nine
minutes. “However, because our legal infrastructure
has been eroding since Trump’s election,
we haven’t really lived under the rule of
P E R S P E C T I V E : M e d i a C i r c u s
Dale Peck’s Brain Dump
BY ED SIKOV
From the New York Daily News: “Welcome
to the Bizarro World of American
political news. Soon after The New Republic
published an opinion piece on
Friday attacking Democratic presidential candidate
Pete Buttigieg, harsh criticism started
pouring in on social media — from both the left
and the right sides of the political spectrum —
prompting TNR’s editor to replace the essay with
an apology.”
Well! What could it be, this “bizarro” attack on
Pete Buttigieg? Some right-wing crank spewing
forth hate in the guise of political commentary?
No, it turns out to be a (supposedly) left-wing
gay crank spewing forth hate in the guise of
political commentary. The out gay novelist Dale
Peck apparently now fashions himself as a witty
pundit, and The New Republic went along with
the ruse until it was forced by resounding criticism
to scrap the piece and issue an apology.
What was so wrong about Peck’s pick-nose
prose? For starters, according to Muri Assunção
of the Daily News, “In the hard-to-believe essay,
Peck repeatedly referred to the also openly
gay Buttigieg as ‘Mary Pete.’ Get it? It’s Peck’s
cutesy play on “Mayor Pete.” Among the many
gratuitous personal insults to the mayor, Peck
also compares him to a 15-year-old boy who’s
wondering if he should sleep with a 50-year-old
man, and speculates about Buttigieg’s sexual
preferences in bed — in terms that are not appropriate
to repeat in this publication.” My, my!
The Daily News continues: “One of its fi rst
public repudiations came from another opinion
piece, this time from a very conservative
and right-leaning news outlet, the Washington
Examiner. Media commentary writer Becket
Adams, who’s originally from South Bend, Indiana,
➤ MEXICANS CAPTURE TRUMP, continued on p.19
called the essay ‘a meandering, nasty,
and disturbingly personal op-ed,’ which attacks
Mayor Pete “as the ‘Uncle Tom’ of the gay community…
The article is every bit as reprehensible
as it sounds, each paragraph worse than
the last.”
Wait— it threatened to get worse (or better,
depending on your point of view). Assunção continues:
“That wasn’t enough for the League of
Conservation Voters, which pulled out of a climate
change forum it was supposed to co-host
with The New Republic. ‘The offensive piece by
this author, and the choice to run it, are inconsistent
with our values and LCV is withdrawing
our participation in the presidential primary
candidate climate forum previously announced
in New York City on September 23,’ league president
Gene Karpinski said in a statement.”
Now wait just a minute. This seems excessive
to me, a thoroughgoing overreaction. The
magazine stupidly published an ill-conceived
and puerile op-ed piece by a not-terribly-talent-
➤ DALE PECK’S BRAIN DUMP, continued on p.19
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